want feedback on a poem

Author: seldiora

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seldiora
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I wrote a poem a long time ago. Any feedback is appreciated.

A Medieval Tale

Prithee come hither,
find shelter in my olde pub,
sit for a story.

Legends far and wide
none tell the whole truth like mine
Hearken! My good friends.

A long time ago
in a tall tower of night
an evil wizard

he trapped a hero
with no help; all hope of light
reduced to zero.

With a smile quite wry
he did sent his short message
"Send gold--else...he dies"

Along with a taunt:
hero’s face looking quite gaunt
In an illusion.

The town saw it all
everyone shuddered in fear
except one young girl.

Fire bright in her eyes,
knowing she won't compromise,
She spoke with resound.

"When his bastard men
came to town, stole me away
wanting my nails, hair,

make a strange potion
for a haggard old lady
--a deal quite shady:

'gold for agelessness,
cut her tooth--' near success,
he had saved me then.

If you will not help,
I will repay the favor
with no one braver."

Her own mother, touched,
gave her a sleek steel hairpin
from great great grandma.

Along with a sword
Yet little contact in fight,
she rode her horse on

'cross the closest cavern
clashing 'gainst the colossus
"Carnage Crackerjack".

You must understand,
Ten feet tall, dwarfing all man
eyes filled with power

no other person
could have made her feel worsened
nay, this was quite hard

But the road was short
This quest she could not abort
So she held her fort

Cool gusts pushed them back!
Gritting her teeth in the cold,
Yet rushing quite bold,

slashes could not hurt
With best strength she could exert
one last shout! She fell

Through punch after blow,
bold black blood spilled on the ground
As she laid on snow.

--Then, a winter storm!
Even the monster did stop,
For the wind was strong.

She limps to the cave,
Our loyal horse followed through,
Glad she was not dead.

"ah~~" When she looked out,
the peaceful sun greeted her,
Survived without doubt.

To another town,
She sought rest, food and water,
Then she was ready.

Many days later
she finally reached there,
standing in front of

The Tower of Doom.
"Where is the money, young gal?"
"Let him go right now."

With no gold in sight,
a wicked smile did get blight,
and prepared to fight.

The wizard exclaims--
"You cannot defeat me!" as
our hero worries.

With a wave of hands--
along a ROAR! the room was
filled with massive flames.

He cackles and laughs
as our heroine steps forth
swinging her sharp sword--

The wizard smirked, turned,
Ran ahead, locked doors, said:
“You shall live no more!”

Desperate bashing,
Weakening with smoke rising
Her breath shortening

Head spinning round then--
She suddenly remembers,
And sweeps her hair down

The heirloom in hand,
Fingers fumbling to unlock
--and click! It went through.

Coughing and stumbling,
She surprised her vile captor,
But only for now.

the wizard summons
forth spiders, goblins, and trolls
against brave attacks.

Through parry and block,
the battle was in deadlock
until she spotted--

The Hero's own sword.
With a grab and a quick throw,
the wizard went down,

with crazy mumbles.
"HA HA, they will avenge me...
You had better flee..."

Ignoring the threat,
the girl untied the hero,
who kissed her as thanks

even as she blushed.
The town admitted its fault
and praised the brave gal.

The hero gave her
his hand in marriage and they
then lived happily.

--But, not "forever";
the wizard's threat was not null.
Lurking in the dark,

waiting for revenge,
Wearing a dark robe, she sought
For eternal youth

--Yes, it is the truth,
that was the wizard's lover
she who wanted that tooth.

Theweakeredge
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@seldiora
Huh... I'll give you one thing, it does something to swap roles there, and I can definitely get behind that. I also appreciated some of the imagery and apt detailing. Maybe some more symbolization would be nice? Though the hairpin part was a pretty good example of that. The overall flow of the poem could have been better, but overall I enjoyed it.
Lemming
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@seldiora
I like that it tells a story, and that it's neat, neat in 'form I mean, easy to read. Though neat as in cool too, I suppose.
Though I know such exists from older times, and I'm sure exists in modern times, the idea's been interesting to me before, of an epic poem.
A 'really long one I mean, to the extent of a hundred+ pager book.
SirAnonymous
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@seldiora
I like the story, and I agree with theweakeredge that switching the traditional roles helped. It kept it from being too cliche. However, the rhyme scheme is simply nonexistent. Sometimes it rhymes, sometimes it doesn't. When is does rhyme, there's no pattern to which lines rhyme. So that could use some work. Still, I enjoyed it.
fauxlaw
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@seldiora
difficult read as poetry as I am expecting meter,  but its lacking, making it poetry-structured prose, but there is a distinction.
also, there's occasional hint of rhyme, but it's inconsistent, like the middle lines of stanzas three and four, and the first and third lines of stanza four.
It is the consistency of meter that distinguishes poetry, even if it does not rhyme. You have other examples of rhyming, but it seems accidental rather than intended. The greater problem is there are occasional examples of meter, but that also appears accidental, or at least not intended.
Poetry is a more difficult effort in order to achieve the meter that prose can have, but is not necessary.

52 days later

Sum1hugme
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@seldiora
Seems to be written in the same syllable count and general formatting as a haiku. The climax of the battle was a little underwhelming. The narrative shift was smooth, but the rhyme scheme wasn't consistent so it didn't flow very mellifluously. However, the twist at the end wasn't bad.

6.2/10

Thank you for sharing your poetry

130 days later

RationalMadman
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@SirAnonymous
@Theweakeredge
How can you swap the roles when the Hero is by definition meant to be in the role of the one doing the rescuing?

Theweakeredge
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RMM
Gender roles my dude, gender roles
SirAnonymous
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@RationalMadman
Usually, the knight saves the damsel, rather than the damsel saving the knight. I have no issues with either format, but the knight saving the damsel is so common it's cliche and harder to make interesting. But just give Hollywood 20 more years to make more female empowerment movies so both formats will be equally cliche. (Not that I have a problem with heroines. I just think it would be better for the pendulum to be close to the middle rather than swinging to the opposite extreme.)
SirAnonymous
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@RationalMadman
@Theweakeredge
Also, what theweakeredge said.
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@SirAnonymous
Doesn't it say hero and not knight? 

Regardless the main heroine is a female, that is true, so I wonder why he refers to her essentially as the sidekick to the hero though.

zedvictor4
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Very Tolkien.

Some might say Tolkien to the point of plagiarism.



SirAnonymous
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@RationalMadman
It does say hero. I understood it in the sense that it was a known hero in the land rather than the hero of the poem.