Episode XIV: The President

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  • thett3
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    The motley crew said little during the drive to Camp David. Thett planned to let Mueller do most of the talking to convince President West that the Russian infiltration of his administration was a very serious problem, so he tried to mostly enjoy the ride and reflect on his life's journey. While Thett mused, Mueller desperately attempted to get the green dye out of his hair so that he would look more professional and less "punk rock", but it was to no avail. Thett let out a great pirate laugh at the sight, something he had been doing less and less lately.

    All too soon, the motorcade pulled into Camp David and Thett went along with YYW, Tyrone, Rational, and Mueller as they were escorted into the retreats lobby, where secret service agents were watching them like hawks. After a few minutes, a bookshelf on the wall suddenly moved forward--it was not a bookshelf at all, but rather a secret door leading to the chambers within. From this bookcase passage emerged a man even bigger and blacker than Tyrone--he radiated an ancient, metaphysical power, and at his presence the secret service agents immediately snapped into attention. Although he was wearing no uniform, Thett instinctively knew that this man was the captain of the Secret Service. The captain said nothing as he passed the agents, and slowly walked passed Tyrone, Rational, and Mueller before stopping. He pointed his finger at Thett and then motioned for him to step forward. 

    "Who, me?" Thett blurted out.

    The man gave no response save for a withering look that said more than any words ever could. A rough translation of the look would be something along the lines of "Yes you, you idiot. Why else would I have pointed at you? Quit wasting my extremely valuable time."

    Thett stood. 

    "Thett, if you meet President West make sure to emphasize--" Muellers last minute instructions came to a sputtering halt as the captain held up a hand.

    Taking a deep breath, Thett followed the man through the secret bookcase. 


    -----------

    Through Camp David the pair went, before stopping before a great oak door at least twenty feet high. Despite his massive height, the captain could barely reach the door knocker, which was a fine brass craving of Kim Kardashian. The door creaked slowly open on its own accord and, as soon as it was open enough for him to step through, Thett was gently nudged through the door, which slammed behind him. The room he found himself in was quite tastefully decorated. Almost every inch was covered in something extremely cool. In one corner, Thett spotted a series of medieval tapestries. Another was dedicated to early 20th century boxing memorabilia. A nearby nightstand had the entire collected works of Collin Leslie Dean stacked on it. The place reminded Thett a lot of his castle. Turning around, he saw a large poster above the giant door:

    "It is necessary to write a play, the novel, the poetry and the song ... about the theory of Numbers have an end.-Mohamed Ababou-"

    The center of the room was covered by a purple shawl, that seemed to lead into another, smaller room. That was when Thett noticed someone else in the room. 

    "No...it can't be..."

    And yet it was. Standing there, deep in conversation, was...16kadams! 

    16kadams was the former mysterious advisor of President Trump, and widely considered one of the greatest propagandists of all time. It was said that he had read every single social and political study ever released, and still rejected big brained centrism. What business could he possibly have with President Kanye West? 

    Thett just stood there watching from the other side of the room for a full five minutes. Finally, 16kadams bowed and exited the room, giving Thett a knowing smirk as he passed by. 

    "COME CLOSER" said a booming voice. Thett approached the purple shawl and went inside. That was when he saw....him.



  • thett3
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    The only thing that went through Thett's head was that part in "O Holy Night" where an angelic chorus sings "Fall on your knees" 

    Thett fell to his knees. Everything about the man before him screamed absolute POWER. He was wearing opulent robes, which went well with the golden throne he sat in. Upon his head was a red "Make America Lit Again" hat, and around his neck was a Dragon Energy amulet. 

    It was the President of the United States. The Commander in Chief of the greatest fighting force the world had ever seen. The man who at this very moment held the same office as George Washington himself. 

    "Kanye West" Thett breathed.

    "Thett3." Kayne replied evenly. 

    Remembering Robert Mueller's instructions, Thett blurted out "Mr. President, there's something you need to know! The government has been infiltrated by--"

    "The Russians."

    "Y-yes...and they've started to--"

    "Take over the intelligence community"

    "Yes, from the very beginning Vice President Emilrose--"

    "Has been a Russian intelligence asset. Thett, there is not a thing that goes on in this administration of which I am not aware." 

    This exchange initiated a conversation between the two. Recounted independently in both of their autobiographies decades later, and witnessed by 16kadams who had snuck back into the chamber and was currently eavesdropping, this conversation came to be considered among the greatest discussions in Western philosophy since the Socratic Dialogues. 

    "Mr. President, why would you allow such a thing? Democracy might be a failed god, but that doesn't make rule by a foreign autocracy any better."

    "Tell me Thett, what is the fundamental problem of politics?" 

    "It's--" Before Thett could attempt to answer, Kanye cut him off. 

    "That was a rhetorical question. To answer the question first involves an understanding of the human condition. In the context of politics, the problem that has never been solved stems from the deep human need to hate "the other." The high and immediate stakes of politics causes individuals to view groups within their own polity as "the other" and to despise and oppress them accordingly. This kind of arrangement is incredibly toxic for modern democracies." 

    Thett, despite his general awe of Kanye, could not prevent himself from laughing. 

    "Surely you aren't a true believer in democracy? Give me a break. Everyone knows that power can use overwhelming control of the media to manufacture consent whenever it needs to justify itself through popular mandate."

    "And what's the alternative? A king? To quote myself: "No one man should have all that POWER." We crossed that Rubicon in 1776 and there is no going back. No, this requires more complex thinking." 

    "So what's your master plan?"

    "I thought that would be obvious. When the extent of the Russian infiltration becomes known to all, I will have given America the perfect "other" that all can hate together with a righteous fury. An other who we can never destroy because of their nuclear deterrence, but who is so dwarfed by our conventional military and our economy that they will never be an actual threat. It's perfect. Through our mutual hatred of the Russians, our hatreds for each other will be put on the back burner."




  • thett3
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    Thett felt his initial awe of Kanye momentarily fade. For someone who claimed to have thought a lot about politics, the hole in his plan was so obvious that even a five year old could see it: 

    "You can't possibly expect that to last forever. Politics changes on a dime." 

    "It doesn't have to last forever. It simply has to last long enough. I have done what President Trump failed to do. I have laid the groundwork for Americans to put aside their differences long enough for my successor to lead the United States to its destiny.

    "And what destiny is that?"

    "A nationalist, populist, neo Austria-Hungary, where diversity truly is our strength. The various ethnic groups live in harmony as the countryside is de facto divided into homogenous villages, while the multicultural cities provide a true marketplace of ideas. We need a radical devolution of federal power to as local a level as possible to disincentive group conflict. We need a return to agrarianism for the masses and the reindustrialization of the rust belt to keep us competitive in critical industries. The dismantling of the big tech monopolies. An H1bae immigration policy that welcomes the Bollywood actress and the Brazilian Supermodel but rejects the skinny nerd. Just think about it, Thett! Village after village of muscular farmers and buxom milkmaids. Dense and futuristic cities that look like Toyko, populated by beauties of unknown ethnic extractions."

    A solitary tear flowed down Thett's cheek as Kanye continued.

    "But first, we need to put our difference aside long enough to come up with a sane mechanism to govern a multiethnic society. Because this current culture war ain't it, chief. We need a collective Russian other to hate before we can complete the system of American Idealism. E pluribus unum."

    "That sounds truly amazing Mr. President...but how do you plan to accomplish it? You'll be hated as much as the Russians when the infiltration is revealed."

    "So I will" Kanye replied. "But I accomplish amazing things through being vilified. Remember when I said George W. Bush didn't care about black people? The media attacked me for it, but his successor was a black man. Or how about Taylor Swift? I invented her when I snatched away her VMA award. However in this case it will not matter. I've set the process in motion, and one domino after another will fall until it's inevitable. It is my destiny to be vilified...just as it was your destiny to die in the shelling of Mestari's Island. And yet fate spared you--earn it."

    "You win by being hated, therefore your worst enemies only help you with their attacks...4D chess."

    "Liberals playin' checkers, I'm playin' chess. Thett, I tell you all of this because it's possible I will have need of you in the future. For your friends I will simply perform a small rap show. But for you, take this so that I can contact you if I wish." 

    Kanye handed Thett a plain white business card:

    Kanye West
    President, United States
    1600 Pennslyvania Avenue 

    "How does your business card help you contact me?" 

    "Don't ask stupid questions." 

    And with that, Thett stood up and left. 


  • TheHammer
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    No words.

  • thett3
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    --> @TheHammer
    Thank you TheHammer, very cool!
  • Greyparrot
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    Woo brazil milkmaids.
  • blamonkey
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    --> @thett3
    What literary genius! Thank you for gracing us with yet another masterpiece!
  • thett3
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    --> @Greyparrot
    posso ter mamãe leiteira?

  • thett3
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    --> @blamonkey
    thank you sir! 
  • SupaDudz
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    Woopity scoop
  • thett3
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    --> @SupaDudz
    i hope that’s a sign of approval!
  • SupaDudz
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    --> @thett3
    it is indeed
  • Greyparrot
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    --> @thett3

  • thett3
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    Work has begun on Chapter XV: The Satisfying Conclusion