Episode XV: The Satisfying Conclusion

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  • thett3
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    Thett walked out of Camp David in a daze. He strode past Mueller, who was saying something to him,but none of the words went through. Thett knew Kanye was a powerful man, but he had not expected to feel so lowly in comparison. Moreover, he had not expected the highly critical information he thought he was delivering to simply be apart of the plan--a plan in which he was even less than a pawn. 
     
    As he exited the premises, he decided that he was done. He was going home. Pulling out his iPhone, he summoned an Uber to drive him to his castle, which like Camp David,was in the woods of Maryland. On the ride he went back to contemplating his journey. It had truly felt like his life had all led up to this moment, like a narrative in which saving his beloved country from the Russians was the final act. And Kanye had shot it all down. On top of that, Thett knew he was under indictment for violating selectively enforced federal regulations and would likely be arrested as soon the government realized that he was still alive--more collateral damage in Kanye's master plan. He couldn't help but feel bitter after everything he had done... 
     
     
    ---------
     
    September, 2001. A post 9/11 meeting between President George W. Bush and Pat Buchanan changed the course of history. Buchanan convinced Bush that the neoconservative policies of his predecessors had caused this disaster, and as a result of this revelation the President had vowed to reorient his administration to serve right wing populist ends. Determining that trade with China was undermining industries critical to national security, Bush cancelled a free trade agreement. China objected, stating that this violated the NAP, and threatened the use of military force to defeat the dangerous nonsense of protectionism. Bush didn't back down, and on December 7th, 2001, 60 years after Pearl Harbor, the Trade War began, which Bush promised would be "good and easy to win."
     
    Thett, then a senior at DDO High School (along with Bsh1 and YYW), was drafted into the US Navy. Thett had always dreamed of being a pirate, and in the Navy his job was to storm Chinese trade vessels and seize their products. It was just like being a pirate, and Thett had a grand time during the war, which unfortunately couldn't be said about everyone else. The Trade War was a disaster, as an unexpected Chinese naval victory crippled the US Navy and left the ground forces to fight a land war in Asia without resupply. President Bush immediately resigned and his Vice President, Airmax1227, successfully negotiated an end to the hostilities and the return of free trade. This disaster is what led to the libertarian atmosphere of the current day.
     
    After the war hordes of bitter veterans unable to find a job, many of whom were still enamored with the ideology of protectionism, took to the seas and continued pirating Chinese trade vessels. The US governments failure to rein them in was a continuous source of tension, but under Airmax's libertarian policies, the military budget was slashed to the bone.
     
    Meanwhile, Thett took his savings from his meagre military salary and got rich as a day trader. He won his start up cash by accidentally borrowing twenty three million dollars from his brokerage and investing it in highly risky options and then selling at the only moment that day when it would've been profitable. He posted about the incident on Reddit to try to understand what had happened (https://old.reddit.com/r/wallstreetbets/comments/7w6cq0/i_somehow_made_110k_this_morning_and_im_still_not/), but forgot to change up his investments, so the same thing happened the next day only with far more money. Suddenly, he was wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, and he leveraged this wealth into celebrity status becoming a rich and eccentric playboy. A brief career in the CIA led to a brief career in politics, followed by a much longer career in business. Thett ran a trust busting enterprise. Whenever a company like Amazon or Google got too big, Thett would create an alternative and use his star power to go after them.

    Still, this didn't satisfy him. One day, at Ron Paul 2008 meeting, Thett had a revelation. Since the free market was ALWAYS best, it alone could solve the pirate issue. After the top regulatory mind in the world (Bsh1) took a look at the plan, the Thett3 Privateering Company was born. Thett hired a crew composed of high school friends and military buddies, with the plan to fight the pirates in exchange for pay and soon enough shipping companies were clamoring to hire them out for protection. Eventually Thett's fame culminated in the biggest honor of his life: a cameo appearance for him and his crew on the Spongebob Squarepants movie (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohMzC_1W0ZY

    Thett had met kings and queens, presidents and dictators, had fought men and beasts. But it was all over now. His crew was dead. He was broke. And because he violated federal regulations, he was now a fugitive from the law.


  • thett3
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    These bitter thoughts stayed with him as he made the drive from Camp David to his castle. As he walked up the massive driveway, he couldn't help but scoff at how ridiculous and opulent it all was. A Ferris Wheel in the front yard? A giant slide going from the top floor to the bottom? All of the portraits of himself? After meeting a truly powerful man in President Kanye West, it all seemed so absurd now.

    Figuring he would spend one last night in his bed before the FBI tracked him down and arrested him, Thett stumbled to the master bedroom. Upon opening the door, he saw two girls sitting on his bed and giggling. One was an Indian girl, the other was one of the prettiest blondes Thett had ever seen. 

    "Thett! You're back! The media said you were missing but I knew you would come back!" 

    Thett stood there in shock until his foggy and distracted mind put the pieces back together. Could it actually be...

    "Royal! Wow, I've only been gone a few months but for some reason it feels like you haven't been relevant for...like five or six years." 

    Royal had been Thett's apprentice before he left on his final pirating trip. He was teaching her in the ways of business, and as a way of trolling her he had pulled some strings to make her go back to high school as a joke while he was gone. After everything went south, he had totally forgotten about her. 

    "I'm here! And I now know why you sent me back to high school! Oh Thett, Seventhprofessor and I have it all figured out. The whole WORLD is high school!" 

    "Seventhprofessor?" 

    Royal gestured to the pretty blonde, who blushed. 

    "Are you ready to see our report?"

    "Why not?" 

    ---------

    The trio went into the kitchen to discuss the report. Seventhprofessor brought out an extremely thick manilla folder, and slammed it onto the table. 

    "So after you left, I met Seventhprofessor and I infiltrated the popular clique. Messing around with them was fun at first, but I knew that you wouldn't have sent me back to high school if you didn't want me to learn something from the experience" 

    "H-haha y-yeah, definitely not."

    "Right, so after a while I started taking careful notes. And after I showed them to Seventhprofessor, well..." 

    Seventhprofessor cleared her throat.

    "It's called clique theory. There are and always will be 6 primary clique classifications:
     
    Prep
    Jock
    Nerd
    Scumbag
    Loser
    Woman" 

    And in this way, Thett was introduced to clique theory (http://www.cliquetheory.com/). They talked for hours and hours. About how Losers always Lose. About how Thett's dad was the prototypical scumgineer. About the difference between Scumbagettes and Hot Girls. And most of all, they spoke about how, unlike numbers, High School Never Ends. 

    He couldn't believe it. These two had cracked the code of human social dynamics. This knowledge simply HAD to be spread. But it couldn't be by him...his life as a celebrity was over. If he wanted to be a free man, it would have to be in exile.

    So that's why, five hours into their conversation, Thett made his decision. 

    "Say Royal, how would you like to run my company from now on?"

    "W-what?" 

    "How would you like to own my company? All I ask is that you use it to advance clique theory." 

    They signed the papers that night. In the morning, he was gone. That was the last time anyone ever saw Thett3.

  • thett3
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    Thett left his castle for the last time as a man with a plan. Perhaps it was Kanye's plan all along, or perhaps Providence had smiled upon them, but Thett could sense that many of the problems plaguing this country were about to be permanently solved. Kanye's 4D chess would ensure that political conflict was solved, and that a better country would emerge from the ashes of his presidency. Royal and Seventh's breakthrough with clique theory would fix social dynamics by allowing people to truly understand one another, and themselves.

    All at once, things were going to get radically better. There was only one thing left to do.

    With all that had been going on, he had completely forgotten. Thett was not broke after all. Some time ago, he had decided to be a TRUE pirate, and had buried $200 million worth of Gold, Silver, and various gemstones in a few locations around the world. He had laid out a map to the treasure through a challenge called Cicada 3301, but none had managed to find the treasure. It was with this money that Thett would play his part in fulfilling the system of American Idealism. 

    Thett had lived a truly amazing life, and he capped it off with a mysterious disappearance. But his destiny was not yet complete. Through all his adventures, he had always had a secret and embarrassing longing...he really wanted an office job. The thought of going to work every day and working in your own cubicle that you got to decorate all cute warmed his heart. He wanted nothing more than to discuss office drama around the water cooler. Throw in a modest 3 bedroom, 2 bedroom house, 2.5 kids and a dog...it sounded like absolute bliss.

    But not all was perfect in suburbia. There was still a great deal of structural inequity that even Kanye and Royal couldn't fix. Thett had learned the hard way through his middle class upbringing that if you didn't have enough money, you really didn't have access to the legal system. Corporations, local governments, and celebrities all knew this which is why they felt free to push around the working man at will, knowing he had no legal means of fighting back. But that was about to change. Thett was going to achieve his dream of an ordinary life, but with one big exception. Thanks to his $200 million, whenever a corporation or government tried to take advantage of him...he was going to sue the shit out of them. No settling. No apologies. No goal other than to inflict the maximum amount of financial damage on powerful people who abused the working man. Through this, the system would finally change.

    Now all he had to do was get a fake identity and find a job. Perhaps the military industrial complex would have a place for him... 

  • thett3
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    Political timeline in case anyone is confused: 

    2000: President Bush is elected, Airmax1227 is his VP 
    2002: President Bush resigns after the Trade War ends in a disaster
    2004: President Airmax elected in a landslide, he brings President Bush as his VP to unite the party
    2007: President Airmax is forced to resign after a video of him in high school performing an ebonics version of the Scarlet Letter is revealed
    2008: Obama elected
    2012: Obama loses the nomination to TUF, who wins the election 
    2016: Trump beats TUF
    2020: Kayne West defeats Trump in a landslide



    and yes, it's over. to all my fans: I thank you. To all my haters: I say, well, at least now you know its over
  • TheHammer
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    Phenomenal. Outstanding. One note: should've given Seventhprofessor a cute debate nerd bf
  • thett3
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    --> @TheHammer
    thank you sir. perhaps that will be a future endeavor. in case it wasnt obvious, DDO High School and this story take place in the same universe, perhaps we can do a past/future type thing of nesting stories starting in Thett3's day and ending in sevenths
  • spacetime
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    I am, indeed, satisfied.
  • thett3
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    --> @spacetime
    thank you sir
  • RationalMadman
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    Clique theory:

    1. Redundant people who thought their DDO legacy would last forever and RM would be a piece of shit on their shoe to laugh at and run off the site permanently.
    2. Average sheeple who may not necessarily be sheepish to a normal idea or group but are to something.
    3. Freaks of nature (either severely smart or severely dumb on top of other strange traits)
    4. Somewhat intelligent people who mingle between the cliques thinking they aren't in a clique but they are and they will huddle together as passionate casuals and peacemakers when the going gets tough.
  • thett3
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    --> @RationalMadman
    wrong. I advise you to read http://www.cliquetheory.com
  • RationalMadman
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    --> @thett3
    LMFAO, clearly made by a clique-1 type of his own community.

  • thett3
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    --> @RationalMadman
    correct, clique theory (along with all posting) is by Losers and for Losers 
  • SupaDudz
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    legendary
  • thett3
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    --> @SupaDudz
    was the conclusion satisfactory?
  • thett3
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    lmaoooo someone reported dis
  • coal
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    This was amusing to read 

  • thett3
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    --> @coal
    powerful endorsement. I thank you