This is what would happen if NFL games were decided by how "green" and "woke" their mascots were.
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of the environmental movement. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. I do not believe any of this, nor does any of this reflect my viewpoints in any way.
Steelers vs. Browns
There is absolutely nothing more environment-hating, mind-destroying, maniacally earth-killing than steelers, who put Carbon Dioxide in the atmosphere.
Steelers: 0. Browns: 42
Cowboys vs. Lions
This is a no-brainer. Of course lions are far more environmentally friendly than a bunch of dead white men who raised cattle for meat.
Cowboys: 3. Lions: 24
Jaguars vs. Colts
This one isn't so easy. Both of them are animals, so they aren't environment-hating humans. Jaguars are predators, however, and meat is murder. On the other hand, colts are the willing slaves of humans. Jags pull this one out.
Jaguars: 28. Colts: 27
Bills vs. Dolphins
Again, both are animals. Neither are carnivores, which is a plus. Dolphins are really cute, and no one would want to hurt them (other than a white, Christian, male capitalist, but they're not people). Buffaloes, however, are endangered, so they clearly win.
Bills: 31. Dolphins: 21
Broncos vs. Vikings
While this seems obvious at first because broncos are animals and vikings are people, it's not that simple. Vikings are not capitalist, they don't emit CO2, and they engaged in common-sense population control by slaughtering their enemies. Broncos are still animals, so they can't be ruled out. Also, the vikings were white, which is a large disadvantage. Even so, they should win.
Broncos: 10. Vikings: 14
Saints vs. Buccaneers
A worse choice would be difficult to imagine. Christians, and not just Christians but saints, opposed to white male murderers?!!! Inconceivable! At least the saints give lip service to being good stewards of the world their magic invisible friend created, which is more than can be said for the pirates.
Saints: 7. Buccaneers: 3
Jets vs. Redskins
Obvious. A machine that literally runs by emitting CO2 against noble Native Americans? Not even close.
Jets: 10. Redskins: 35
Falcons vs. Panthers
This is extremely close. Both are animals and carnivores. Panthers are black, which is a plus. Furthermore, some falcons have been known to subject themselves to humans for hunting. I can't even.
Falcons: 17. Panthers: 28
Texans vs. Ravens
Texans used to own slaves. The Ravens will dominate this game.
Texans: 0. Ravens: 21
Cardinals vs. 49ers
There is just no contest between birds and genocidal capitalists who oppressed the Native Americans and expelled the Mexicans.
Cardinals: 38. 49ers: 7.
Bengals vs. Raiders
This is a little tricky, since it isn't clearly defined what these raiders are raiding. But if in doubt, pick the animal. However, if they were just raiders of the lost ark, that could be okay, or at least less bad. Ultimately, it doesn't matter, because bengals are probably endangered.
Bengals: 21. Raiders: 10
Patriots vs. Eagles
This is inconceivable. People who support America playing the American symbol. Say it with us: This. Is. The. Patriarchy. If the Eagles didn't have the out that they are animals, the earth would literally be forced to open up and swallow them both.
Patriots: 0. Eagles: 3
Bears vs. Rams
This will be really close. Bears are awesome, plus there was an Ind-Native American chief named Standing Bear. Rams are also really cool, and they are probably doubly cool because they provide the start to the name Ramshutu, and he's a progressive so that must be good. Bears are sometimes carnivores, so that puts them at a disadvantage. However, the Rams are the opposition to the sheep in that fictional character Jesus' parable. We definitely aren't His sheeple, so we have to go with the Rams.
Bears: 31. Rams: 35
Chiefs vs. Chargers
Chargers are the greenest thing ever! They power your earth-saving electric vehicle. On the other hand, don't even get me started about the Chiefs. How dare those white men culturally appropriate the title of chief?! This one is a certain lock.
Chiefs: 6. Chargers: 63
Any thoughts? Have I made a mistake in the environmental oppression olympics, or have I proven my wokeness? Which teams do you think are the most environmentally friendly in today's matchups?
That's all for now. Just remember to save the whales! (and collect the whole set.)