Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of the environmental movement. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. I do not believe any of this, nor does any of this reflect my viewpoints in any way.
Last Week: 6-8
Last week was a disaster for the environment, especially since we only have 11 more weeks before the damage to our environment becomes irreversible. But fear not, fellow social justice warriors: we will yet triumph over the villainous bourgeoisie and their reckless ransacking of our reality!
Colts vs. Texans
This is a horrible decision. Should we pick patriarchal white men or their animal slaves? The villains or the enablers? Not only do the Texans have a history of racism, but in today's world they are also obsessed with GUNS!!!! Colts would never engage in such slaughter of children. Even worse, the Texans use guns to shoot colts. They even shoot them just for having broken legs. Talk about ableism!
Colts: 20. Texans: 13
Buccaneers vs. Falcons
There's just no comparison. Yes, falcons hunt; yes, they subject themselves to humans; but at least they don't use guns!
Falcons: 17. Buccaneers: 7
Broncos vs. Bills
We must confess to making a huge mistake last week. We thought the Bills were buffaloes and not carbon copies of a cruel cowboy exploiting Native Americans for profit in a tour filled with white male propaganda. We are so extremely sorry for the offense we caused to everyone and resolve to do better. It's 2019; there's no excuse for what we did, and we apologize.
Broncos: 31. Bills: 6
Giants vs. Bears
Bears are cuddly and soft and stuffed with cotton and covered in hearts and come with chocolate and flowers. They would never make horrible, triggering noises or commit murder against their fellow animals. Giants, on the other hand...ugh. They're like humans, but bigger, so they emit more CO2 and have the same problems, but worse. Also, have you noticed that giants are almost always white? Not even joking.
Bears: 24. Giants: 17
Steelers vs. Bengals
Bengals are nice, cute kitties with spots. They purr and they're cute and they're great for safe spaces. But Steelers are horrible capitalists who hate the environment. They are soooo evil that they would rather let themselves and everyone else burn and die in global warming so long as they get money. They'd rather be rich than save their own lives. #TypicalConservatives
Bengals: 35. Steelers: 0
Dolphins vs. Browns
Dolphins are cute, but it's just racist to pick against brown people for any reason, and we're not racists. So if you like dolphins, then you're a terrible person.
Dolphins: 10. Browns: 21
Panthers vs. Saints
Saints are Catholic, and Catholics hate women's rights. STOP HATING WOMEN, YOU MISOGYNISTS! But panthers are endangered, so they must be protected at all costs.
Panthers: 49. Saints: 14
Raiders vs. Jets
It is in every way acceptable to raid jets. They need to be destroyed, or we're all gonna die! Raid them, destroy them, and then post it on social media to virtue signal to all your friends. Jets are destroying the environment by polluting the atmosphere with that gas that makes plants grow, so they must be destroyed.
Raiders: 28. Jets: 3
Seahawks vs. Eagles
Eagles are the symbol of the world's most hateful nation led by a man who is literally Hitler. Seahawks are - well I don't know what they are, but how can they possibly be worse than that?
Seahawks: 14. Eagles: 10
Lions vs. Redskins
Redskins is a racial slur! Even though nearly all the Native Americans in the area root for them, we need to be offended on their behalf because using this racial trope is just unacceptable. But lions are endangered, and they're just big cats. Sure, they're carnivores, but any real SJW knows that microaggressions and cultural appropriation are far worse for society than getting eaten by a predator.
Lions: 27. Redskins: 17
Jaguars vs. Titans
Jaguars are an endangered species, so they have the initial advantage. On the other hand, titans are from Greek mythology, and any non-Christian religion is totally acceptable and should never be attacked. Also, Jaguars are predators, and meat is murder. However, titans are the enemy of the Greek gods, so an enemy of a friend is an enemy, I guess? Not sure.
Jaguars: 15. Titans: 14
Cowboys vs. Patriots
I can't even. I just can't even. Gun-loving, women-hating, white supremacists against gun-loving, women-hating, white supremacists. I need a safe space just thinking about it. This can't be real. NOOO!! At least the Patriots threw a few bones in the direction of human rights. Sure, it was just for white men, but I can't, I just, like, can't!
Cowboys: 3. Patriots: 7
Packers vs. 49ers
Not another one! This is clearly the patriarchy! Meat packers against miners. Meatpacking may support murder, but at least it doesn't murder the world.
Packers: 14. 49ers: 9.
Ravens vs. Rams
Finally! I can even! Ravens are predators, which is an inherent disadvantage. Rams, on the other hand, are vegetarians. However, ravens are black and thus immune to criticism (unless they take conservative positions and forfeit their black cards). Some rams are white. Triggered! However, rams are exploited by humans for their wool, so they're victims. Thus, they win this round of the oppression olympics.
Ravens: 35. Rams: 42.
What do you think? Am I wrong and you're more woke than me? If so, remember this: you either die woke, or live long enough to see yourself become a bigot. And I will dig through every post you have ever made on the internet, and if there's even one that could be misinterpreted as slightly non-PC, you. Will. Be. Canceled. So you thought you were more woke than me? Wrong!
(Editor's Note: This writer has been fired for saying "Wrong!" in the same way Adolf "Not My President" Trump uses it. We apologize for the inconvenience and for allowing such a hater to use our platform. Thank you for your patience.)