Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of the environmental movement. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. I do not believe any of this, nor does any of this reflect my viewpoints in any way.
Last Week: 0-1.
Once again, I must apologize for my negligence. I am failing in my quest to save the environment. Worse, the environment has a negative record. We're all doomed.
Texans vs. Buccaneers
A bunch of murderous dead white men against a bunch of murderous dead white men. Inconceivable! However, buccaneers have far less diversity. Womyn were underrepresented in their ranks, and they had no Muslims either (I'm sure that whole episode of the Barbary pirates is just Islamophobic hate speech). Clearly, then, Texans, who actually had womyn and Latinx people, were more diverse.
Texans: 17. Buccaneers: 14.
Bills vs. Patriots.
NO!!! Not more dead white patriarchal, racist sexist IslamophobictransphobichomophobicmisogynistChristianslaveowning men! At least there was only one Buffalo Bill, so he did less mass genocides than the patriots. Furthermore, we're impeaching Trump, so we need to pretend to care about the Founding Fathers and the Constitution they wrote. We'll forget about this as soon as the next Democratic POTUS commits even worse abuses of power, but for the moment...
Patriots: 37. Bills: 10.
Rams vs. 49ers.
A no-brainer. Animals are more valuable than white men. If you disagree, then you're a sexist. I don't know why, but womyn would be most affected by your preference of white men over animals. It's the patriarchy, I'm sure of it.
Rams: 24. 49ers: 17.
Jaguars vs. Falcons.
This is plainly a difficult choice. Both are animals, both are carnivores, and both are beautiful parts of the environment. Falcons, however, are not endangered, and jaguars are.
Jaguars: 35. Falcons: 27.
Ravens vs. Browns.
Normally, we would pick the browns because it is racist not to pick brown people, but ravens are black, so that doesn't matter. Furthermore, ravens are animals, and they scavenge the dead corpses of disgusting, environment-destroying humans. Those are massive advantages. However, browns are undocumented migrants. Even though it sounds racist to assume that all of them are undocumented migrants, it clearly isn't racist because our policies are designed to help them become Democrat vot - er, become citizens of the world's most hateful country. Furthermore, ravens are for the birds, and we care more about windmills and green energy than birds.
Ravens: 34. Browns: 45.
Saints vs. Titans.
In a choice between Christians and mythical beings from a non-Christian religion, the mythical beings win every time. After all, we don't want to be Greek-Polytheism-phobic, and it's impossible to be Christianophobic because it's impossible to be prejudiced against a majority.
Saints: 7. Titans: 21.
Panthers vs. Colts.
Panthers are black. Panthers are endangered. Colts, however, are victims of humans. This oppression olympics is a difficult choice. However, since panthers are endangered because humans murdered them for sport, panthers have more intersectionality points, which naturally transfers to points on the scoreboard.
Panthers: 28. Colts: 24.
Bengals vs. Dolphins.
Dolphins are cute. Dolphins are in the oceans that are threatened by pollution. Dolphins are cute. Dolphins are one of the smartest of our fellow animals. Dolphins are cute. Bengals are endangered, but...dolphins are cute.
Bengals: 13. Dolphins: 20.
Steelers vs. Jets.
The machines that are the agents of our destruction against the people that make them. While we prefer to blame humans, this is one of those obvious cases when the inanimate object is the one responsible, just like guns are responsible for mass murders rather than the mass murderers themselves. Also, steel can be used for windmills, which will save the environment. What's that? You disagree? HOW. DARE. YOU. You have stolen my child...oh wait, that's what I told Greta to say. Wrong speech. My bad.
Steelers: 21. Jets: 10.
Giants vs. Redskins.
I can't believe that there is still a team out there that has such a racist name. Don't they know that's cultural appropriation? It's [the current year]. There's no excuse for this.
Giants: 34. Redskins: 3.
Lions vs. Broncos.
Lions are endangered. However, they are carnivores. They eat meat, and we all know what meat is. Mmmmuuuuuurrrrrrrrddddddddeeeeerrrrrrrr. Broncos, on the other hand, resist human control. Broncos for the win.
Lions: 35. Broncos: 52.
Cowboys vs. Eagles.
Patriots (we all know that all white males are patriots, and therefore racists) against the symbol of patriotism. I can't even. I can't believe this could happen. At the very least, eagles are animals. Furthermore, under U.S. law, it is illegal to destroy eagle eggs and thereby kill the baby. However, cowboys are men and don't even have a place in the discussion.
Cowboys: BIG FAT ZERO. Eagles: 23.
(Editor's note: The writer is currently being flayed for fat-shaming. Please bear with us.)
Cardinals vs. Seahawks.
Ohhh, I hurt. I'll never fat-shame again. I'm so, so sorry that people were offended. Now that my non-apology is out of the way, this ought to be a great game. Cardinals are red, which is communist, and that's so dope. Seahawks, however, are blue, which is for Democrats and is also dope. And now that I look at it, red is also the color of Republicans, so the cardinals are clearly KKK members.
Cardinals: 14. Seahawks: 28.
Chiefs vs. Bears.
Native Americans against their traditional predatorial enemy. I can't wait to see how the noble natives defeat their foes once again! Wait a minute, did I just use stereotypes? My bad! I didn't mean it! Really! Anyway, the bear is the symbol of Russia, and they helped Trump win. IMPEACHMENT 2019!!!!!
Chiefs: 23. Bears: 13.
Packers vs. Vikings.
Meat packers against white men. However, these are special white men. They're Scandinavian, and that means democratic socialism. Awesome!
Packers: 14. Vikings: 27.