wrote another poem feedback wanted yall

Author: LittleCookie08 ,

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  • LittleCookie08
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    For My Knight:

    My Knight rides to my tower, 
    He’s always been a dazzler ❤️ .

    Inside I await,
    For his black horse to reach the gate. 

    I jump on, were now running with fright,
    From the oppressive tower now outta our sight.

    We run into night, 
    With all of our might.

    Eventually we reach his house, 
    As quiet as a mouse.

    Spending the rest of night together, 
    More happy than ever 🥰.

    Making our way the very next day, 
    Our horse blessing us with a happy neigh 🐴. 

    We drift away, 
    Back onto the mysterious highway.

    I have to return now my knight,
    But dont turn white.

    Someday we’ll run away together,
    Like birds of a feather 🐦.

  • fauxlaw
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    --> @LittleCookie08
    Nice couplets, but don't change horses in midstream. Meaning, your horse metaphor is carried throughout until the last line of the last couplet, when, suddenly it's birds running. But, the very stable image of birds is that they fly; they do not run. Well, of course they can, and I've seen them do this, but don't mix your metaphors in the last line. And "birds of a feather" is a trite, tired expression. Don't finish your poem on that.

    Wait, let me go back. Why are you two running in fright? Is your knight that weak that he is frightened of...? From a tower? Your tower? Why? And you reach his house, "Quiet as a mouse?" Another trite, too common phrase. Do you arrive that quiet, or is it a description of the house? I don't know, but, again, it reduces the valiance of this knight of yours.

    Your seventh couplet is a clever rhyme [day/neigh], perhaps the best of the whole set. It's unexpected. But followed by drifting back to a highway? What highway? Why is it mysterious? Is it now mysterious when it was once frightening? Why?

    Rhyme is a difficult taskmaster. Don't rhyme because you're expected to rhyme, and then chose words only because they happen to rhyme. They must both rhyme, and hold the metaphor that is your story. Instead, I am filled with questions instead of satisfied that I have heard a unique story. Lest you think I'm not familiar with poetry, I am published and awarded [not that that is any great shake], but I also have an English Lit PhD.
  • SupaDudz
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    --> @LittleCookie08
    The emojis are a real turnoff to the poem lol
  • SupaDudz
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    --> @LittleCookie08
    Here is some constructive criticism with the poem. I think its a good poem, but certainly can be improved. I'm also removing the emojis cuz they are an eyesore on poetry

    My Knight rides to my tower, 
    He’s always been a dazzler ❤️ .
    Go deeper into why your night is a dazzler. Give me more details into his character. What makes him a dazzler? The rhyming is OK but here is how I would fix it

    My dazzling knight rides into my tower
    With a strong beard, and muscles, a man of true power

    Inside I await,
    For his black horse to reach the gate. 
    The second line is good, but the first line needs another adjective or more to it
    I would do this...

    Inside the tower I anxiously await
    For the black horse to reach the gate

    I jump on, were now running with fright,
    From the oppressive tower now outta our sight.
    Woah slow down. Slow. When did the tower become oppressive? You can't just add more information to the poem. You have to be clear about what the tower symbol is in the poem. You have to be clear when he enters. You can't just add events on like a movie. A poetry has to be clear on everything. You'd have to use descriptors in the beggining to symbolize you despise the tower. Also don't use slang in poetry if isn't the person talking. Saying outta is unproffesional

    We run into night, 
    With all of our might.
    Simple, could add more. But it will work. Also you mean, "we run into the night"

    Eventually we reach his house, 
    As quiet as a mouse.
    I like the figurative language in this, but don't see the point. Why are you quiet? How did you get in the house? I think you should add entering the house after "as quiet as a mouse"

    Spending the rest of night together, 
    More happy than ever.
    More happy isn't a word. It's happier and I think you should add more description than just happier than ever

    Making our way the very next day, 
    Our horse blessing us with a happy neigh. 
    I like these lines. Reverse the lines though. It makes more sense chronologically

    We drift away, 
    Back onto the mysterious highway.
    Add more than the we drift away? When? Where? Why? Add descriptors

    We drift away before the dawn of day
    Back onto the mysterious highway

    I have to return now my knight,
    But dont turn white.

    Someday we’ll run away together,
    Like birds of a feather.
    I really like what you did with this line

    This isn't a bad piece. There are certainly things you can fix with it to improve. Poetry takes time to master. I was already gifted with poetry from a young age, my dad is a well known poet and has books published. It still took me some time to master the true art
  • blamonkey
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    --> @LittleCookie08
    I'm about as fluent in poetry as I am in Swahili. I'm married to the narrative structure of stories. Nevertheless, I will say that some stanzas seem to break the rhythmic structure of the poem. For example:

    "Making our way the very next day, 
    Our horse blessing us with a happy neigh"

    seems to have a few too many syllables to me. When I write, and for the record I am no more qualified than you so take this with a grain of salt, I verbally repeat every paragraph. It doesn't always work, and sometimes I can't use this method due to time constraints, but it could be useful for shorter poetry. By verbalizing your work you can free up the syntax and diction a bit to make your piece more readable. Also, I agree with fauxlaw, you use a few too many cliches when writing (i.e. "with all our might," "as quiet as a mouse," "birds of a feather.") Make some unique metaphors. 

    Instead of "as quiet as a mouse" how about "in apprehensive silence, the world seemed doused." Of course, this might not fit with the rhyme scheme, but just an example. 

    I like how tangible your poem is. Too often, poetry takes the most circuitous path forward toward expressing anything, be it an idea or image. The fact that I can follow what you are saying tells me that you have ample talent. 

    Oh, and I second Supa. Do not, under any circumstance, add emojis to your poem.

  • SupaDudz
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    --> @fauxlaw
    Broken
     
    Reflections on a gloomy day
    Turning the page on a book of dismay
    What you could've fixed, you tore apart
    Like a essay that you had to restart
    With every tear drop there's a story to tell
    As memories and melancholy turn life into hell
    You've sold her reminiscence, but what's left to sell?
    The heart consumed by a dark plague
    As happiness becomes vague
    The plague of heartbreak is forming ripe
    As the words you say become tripe
    Then the pieces shift and lose their form
    As darkness lurks over you, like a lingering storm
    Locking yourself in isolation
    Lacking will and motivation
    You wish that everything would be the same
    Battling your subconscious like a challenging video game
    Until one day when you're at the lowest
    Someone descends to the lowest of depths into your mind
    And rebuilds the thing that made you the bleakest 
    And then returns you into the world of mankind
    A telling experience from tragedy in life
    A journey of curing the wounds from the knife
    Phrases and words can't express gratitude
    To the person who helped you shift your attitude
    And shift your thinking to a new latitude

  • SupaDudz
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    --> @blamonkey
    Here is a poem I wrote above
  • blamonkey
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    The rhyming pattern is kind of simple, which is fine, but also a tad bit juvenile (again, not saying I could do any better.) 

    A few stanzas might break rhythmic flow, and while this is not structured to be poetry written aloud, it definitely should be looked at (I would say, anyway.) 

    "The heart consumed by a dark plague
    As happiness becomes vague"
    I think that if the second sentence had another syllable or two, it would come off as more natural.

    I do like the abstract lyrics too, it just might lose some people who are reading it.

    You avoid a lot of commonplace cliches, which is also good. Some of the metaphors are clumsily used though, like describing something as a "challenging videogame."

    That said, it is interesting. I think the title should be "Reflections on a Gloomy Day." But again, that's just my subjective opinion. The only writing I do besides political stuff is short stories, and I loathe to share them in a public forum because they will probably be piddled on. 
  • LittleCookie08
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    --> @blamonkey
    i added emojis mostly because it was for my boyfriend, any other poem i wouldnt have done that 

    he isnt that fluent in english and emojis sometimes help
  • blamonkey
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    --> @LittleCookie08
    Oh, if it's for that, it's not a problem. I liked the poem though
  • blamonkey
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    --> @LittleCookie08
    Man, now I feel like a dick. Sorry about that. 
  • LittleCookie08
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    --> @blamonkey
    naw bro its coo lol
  • Discipulus_Didicit
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    --> @SupaDudz
    My dazzling knight rides into my tower
    With a strong beard, and muscles, a man of true power

    You know skinny 150 lb. guys that shave can be attractive too...

    ...
    ...
    ...

    No? No takers?

    ...

    Okay well it was worth a shot.
  • SupaDudz
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    --> @Discipulus_Didicit
    Exaggeration is key to a successful poem
  • Melcharaz
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    I got something that might help. 

    The third spirit, At-Hatoor, came down to the netchiman's wife while she relaxed for a while under an Emperor Parasol. His garments were made from implications of meaning, and the egg looked at them three times. The first time Vivec said:
    "Ha, it means nothing!"
    After looking a second time he said:
    "Hmm, there might be something there after all."
    Finally, giving At-Hatoor's garments a sidelong glance, he said:
    "Amazing, the ability to infer significance in something devoid of detail!"
    "There is a proverb," At-Hatoor said, and then he left. -lessons of Vivec 

    Meaning is infered even in poetry. There is no need to ruin what is personal for public opinion.

  • LittleCookie08
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    --> @Melcharaz
    well said bro 
  • zedvictor4
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    --> @LittleCookie08
    So what did he say then?
  • LittleCookie08
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    --> @zedvictor4
    I got something that might help. 

    The third spirit, At-Hatoor, came down to the netchiman's wife while she relaxed for a while under an Emperor Parasol. His garments were made from implications of meaning, and the egg looked at them three times. The first time Vivec said:
    "Ha, it means nothing!"
    After looking a second time he said:
    "Hmm, there might be something there after all."
    Finally, giving At-Hatoor's garments a sidelong glance, he said:
    "Amazing, the ability to infer significance in something devoid of detail!"
    "There is a proverb," At-Hatoor said, and then he left. -lessons of Vivec 

    Meaning is infered even in poetry. There is no need to ruin what is personal for public opinion.

  • zedvictor4
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    --> @LittleCookie08
    Yep I can read well enough.

    But what were the implications of the text.
  • LittleCookie08
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    --> @zedvictor4
    Meaning is infered even in poetry. There is no need to ruin what is personal for public opinion.
    basically that you don't need to change a poem to satisfy public opinion over your own personal beliefs
  • RationalMadman
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    --> @LittleCookie08
    There are many schools of thought about what matters more vs less in poetry and rap but I am one of those more on the side of skill and wordplay mattering.

    You can't be lazy with your flow or metaphors and expect to be considered a proficient poet, unless you are delusional.

    I am going to constructively criticise you here, do not expect a fairytale with a happy ending, damsel in distress.

    For My Knight:
    While this can be a title, it's a poorly formed one considering that the 'for' means 'made for' as opposed to 'if it wasn't for my knight' and you take the last 3 words of that. This is not a poetic start, in fact 'Knight' on its own would be the most poetic way to entitle the piece out of these three words but it's not that good for the title. Something better to do would be an indirect reference to his knighthood that you refer to in the poem. This is how to keep things fresh and how so many cliché pop songs end up able to be published with unique titles.

    My Knight rides to my tower, 
    He’s always been a dazzler ❤️ .
    Wrong. If you want to do this as a single line you have to at least rhyme 'tower' and 'dazzler' with 2 syllables both to make up for it. That's not to say that doing that would be bad, if you do pull it off that's top tier rapping.

    So aim for something like this:

    My knight rides to my tower, he's always dazzler,

    Now aim to either compliment how soft he is or how tough and gritty he is.

    For a sensitive boyfriend:
    Not to deflower, but to pay my ransom,

    This can then lead into you saying that if they scam him, he's got the heart and/or mind to still push through for you.

    For a tough, gritty boyfriend:
    Never overpowered, out-done or out-handsomed.

    This sets you up to not need to fuel his ego much in the future lines of that stanza and to be more creative with where you take it.

    Inside I await,
    For his black horse to reach the gate. 
    Black knights and black horses were known to be the evil ones. Robbers had them. Perhaps you are saying he's an antihero or antivillain even. That is fine but make it clear. The black horse was commonly ridden by those who fought against the 'prince charming' type.

    Also, consider how easy this is to milk for extra rhymes. You basically stopped it for no reason.

    I await my fate,
    I contemplate how great he is upon his horse on which I'll jump and with him, lay my weight,

    Just that alone has so much more skill in the rhyming and flow.
    note that the 'tem' 'his' and 'him' is a very clever flow technique that few rappers know of. What it is achieving is keeping each intermediate syllable sounding similar enough to the next while being a different word. 'tem' and 'him' actually rhyme because 'tem' in contemplate is said more like 'tim' when delivered fast.

    I jump on, we're now running with fright,
    From the oppressive tower now outta our sight.
    You already had 'tower', why are you using it to rhyme with outta? Why add 'our' after outta? No need.

    Let's rethink this also because 'running with fright' emasculates your oh so manly knight... Also why are you frightened when with him? That is something to consider about how you feel with him as it's a Freudian slip that you don't truly feel safe with him.

    Think more like this:

    On the horse that gallops with a force that's frightening,
    I'm Sandy to his Danny and we move slick as if it's grease lightning.

    This is an extremely strong play on words but I understand that you probably are in a generation that has no clue what Grease Lightning is, nonetheless you get the idea.

    We run into night, 
    With all of our might.

    Might/power is often held as a separate power to speed, also speed is known to have the sprinting variant and marathon variant. Are you complimenting you and him on enduring a lot as you go along or on how fast you him push through challenges? Make sure you are clear on the intent of your metaphors before slapping them in.

    Eventually we reach his house, 
    As quiet as a mouse.
    Spending the rest of night together, 
    More happy than ever 🥰.
    You are too young to be writing this in a poem, this is also not the best way to put how you arrive. Is he a ninja? Okay, then make it clear. He may not think being quiet is a good thing.

    Making our way the very next day, 
    Our horse blessing us with a happy neigh 🐴. 

    Someday we’ll run away together,
    Like birds of a feather 🐦.
    Birds don't run but this combination of animal metaphor was actually the best attempt at metaphor 'stringing' within the poem. Good job.

    I have to return now my knight,
    But dont turn white.
    White knights are the good guys in folklore, again you are saying that he is bad for you.

    This is actually a bit scary because even if he's a 'bad boy' type, it implies (combined with the other Freudian slip) that he is toxic for you.

  • SupaDudz
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    --> @RationalMadman
    I actually like the analysis of the poem. It goes into the deeper logistics and phrasing behind the poem overall. This is a fairly good breakdown.

    I don't know their age so maybe they are of age of consent to talk about those types of things