According to reports, a man from Florida painted himself orange and announced his candidacy for President. He said in his speech, “Not many people know this, but I have been President before. I did a great job, really tremendous. Some say the best ever, better than Lincoln. I don’t know, but they say that, lots of people say it.” Many witnesses to the event asked him why he chose to paint himself orange. According to the Florida man himself, “Why do you hate orange? Orange is a great color. Sad!” After his announcement, a loud yawn of boredom was heard across the nation. “Again? I’m so tired of this guy already,” said one American, who looked suspiciously like an antediluvian turtle with a cocaine habit.
Many people are skeptical of the Florida man’s chances of victory, given his previous record. When asked for comment, he replied, “A lot of people keep saying that I lost the last election. Wrong! That’s fake news! That was a guy from New York. That wasn’t me. I don’t know him, but I heard he is a terrible guy, a big loser.” For some reason the news is also reporting on the reaction of a random old white guy who was found wandering around aimlessly. According to Mr. Random Wanderer, “What, who? Is that Corn Pop? Malarkey! Let me at him!”
Another Florida man was seen in the area of the incident with a massive grin on his face, but he quickly left to deal with Hurricane Libtears, which suddenly appeared as a result of the orange Florida Man’s announcement.
