50 Shades of Gay

Author: TheHammer ,

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  • TheHammer
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    TheHammer
    Here's a little gift to Bsh for making it as a moderator. I've been intending to do something like this for a while, so here's to hoping they enjoy this.

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    Bsh took a deep breath as he slowly drove his car out of the garage. Taking one wistful look back at his comfy house, Bsh bravely drove off into the unknown.

    He felt oddly as if every moment in his life was culminating into this single event. While telling himself to keep it together, he was reminded that he felt particularly stressed about all of his first dates, but something in the back of his mind foreshadowed the night that was to come.

    Bsh had still been reeling from a nasty breakup with his partner RationalMadman who turned out to not be gay after all when his friends finally talked him into getting the grindr app. Such was his luck that the first man he stumbled on was a tall, dark and heavily muscled CEO named YYW. After exchanging a few messages the pair decided to go on a date instead of hooking up because their chemistry was such that maybe, just maybe, and actual relationship could occur. For the first time in his life Bsh felt as if everything in his life was coming together perfectly.
  • TheHammer
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    ---------

    The venue was a German restaurant called "The Fourth Reich Eatery". YYW had originally wanted to go to a Tex-Mex place, but Bsh didn't like Tex-Mex. Not only did Bsh not like Tex-Mex but he felt like the very idea would bring back too many painful memories of his and RM's chili-in-the-bedroom days. YYW had almost cancelled the date right then and there because anyone who doesn't like Tex-Mex is an idiot, but that was a problem they managed to overcome.

    They met and exchanged the standard "I met you on the internet" level awkwardness, but after a few minutes all was well. They were sipping beers and talking about the ethical implications of attaching political conditionality on humanitarian aid when their order came.

    Bsh got wiener schnitzel. YYW got a Bratwurst.

    "Oh vell vell vell, zis is your scnitzel and 'ere is your huge, juicy viener." the waitress said as she served them their respective dishes. Bsh couldn't stop eyeing YYW's huge Bratwurst. If the sausage in a different place was anywhere near as large, Bsh saw them getting along very, very, well indeed.

    "Would you like some?" YYW asked, smirking at Bsh's wide eyed gaze at the sausage. Bsh nodded. YYW started to feed him pieces of sausage from across the table in a romantic cliche, and the gay subtext was so obvious that it probably didn't even count as subtext anymore, but who's counting?

    Despite both being extremely eager to move onto the next phase of their date and see if they were truly compatible the pair ate extremely slowly and talked about all sorts of issues like the implementation of national health care, the philosophical implications of the conjugal view of marriage, and YYW even amused Bsh with a story of how he once won a rap battle using only Haiku's.

    After a minor skirmish over who was paying the check (which YYW eventually won because, hello, CEO) the pair headed to Bsh's house. Bsh was eager to see YYW's country estate, but it was too far away. At the front porch, YYW hugged Bsh goodnight in a very cliche way, clearly hoping for an invite inside but too gentlemanly to ask.

    "I hate to break it to you YYW, but I don't kiss on the first date." Bsh said, YYW's heart sank, but at the same time he was very excited to have found a guy who was willing to wait. Bsh smiled at the look and YYW's face and said with a dirty, dirty smile "I go all the way." and just like that, Bsh grabbed YYW by his tie like slutty secretaries do to their bosses and slammed him into the porch, making out vigorously. YYW realized that his thoughts about it being sweet that Bsh wanted to wait vanished, replaced by a primal lust and a deeper feeling he'd never felt before but that could best be described as a fundamental contentment being in Bsh's arms.

    The pair stumbled through the door, lips locked the entire way, bumping into tables and walls but too engrossed in each other to even care. Bsh was taking off YYW's shirt when he had an idea. "Wait..." He said, and disappeared from the bedroom. When he came back he was shirtless and holding something that brought such excitement to YYW that what felt like that tingly feeling you get when your crush talks to you spread across his entire body, from his pinky toe to the tip of his head. Bsh gave a devil may care grin and tackled YYW, smearing his six pack with the tanning lotion he had gotten. As he rubbed it slowly into YYW's chest Bsh felt his manhood, already stretched to what he thought was the limit, expand even greater.
  • TheHammer
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    YYW was enjoying this but decided to give Bsh a surprise of his own. Bsh was no pushover physically, being well over six feet tall and very heavily muscled, but YYW was even stronger and before Bsh could even react, YYW had completely flipped him over and was on top of him. Their chests rubbed together in an incredibly erotic way as the pair wrestled for dominance on the bed, Bsh getting smeared with YYW's lotion. Bsh laughed as YYW finally brought him down and started kissing every unclothed part of his body slowly and romantically.

    Bsh was rubbing YYW's thighs when YYW shifted while kissing him and he found his hand gently touching the edges of YYW's large package. To Bsh's pleasure, the Bratwurst really was a good size comparison. YYW looked down at Bsh slyly, giving him the well known look that says "Hey if you touch mine I get to touch yours" and slowly worked his hand down Bsh's pants until reaching his own sizable set of Jewels. Both took this as a cue that, despite the great fun they were with the foreplay, they could not wait any longer. Both stood up and slowly stripped themselves of their remaining clothes, staring at each other the way Allie and Noah did as they undressed in that one scene in The Notebook where they went to the plantation house. Bsh's house may not have been as romantic a venue as a plantation house, but he did well enough for himself to make it quite the cozy place for their sexual encounter.

    In yet another cliche, they jumped into each others arms and found out at least just how incredibly compatible they were.

    YYW and Bsh did it all that night. All sorts of filthy things that caused the Republican party to collectively flinch. It was even rumored that Rick Santorum's heart attack that night was due to all of the gay vibes going off into the universe due to their incredibly long, erotic, and vibrant session because no one thinks about gay sex more than Santorum. He has some sort of psychic link that told him the gay sex levels each day, and his last words were "God have mercy on us, the homosexuality is off the charts". The intensity and gayness of YYW's and Bsh's sex that night arguably outweighed the whole of San Francisco for an entire month. The gay vibes going into the Universe were so intense that support for same sex marriage jumped five points overnight, Leviticus 18:22 was simply wiped from every single Bible, and the Saudi Arabian king came out as gay.

    They took turns. They used beads. They dropped molten candle wax onto each other in places that are best left to the imagination. They even did things that, if he were to describe them, would cause the author to be arrested. And the next day, they did it all again. And so it was that the pair was married and, in an act of reconciliation RMshowed up at the wedding as Bsh's best man and they all live happily ever after. Except for Rick Perry, who died of AIDS.

    The end.


  • thett3
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    okay, THIS is epic
  • RationalMadman
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    This is only good because it's funny, the actual storyline is nonsense.

    8/10 laugh quality per paragraph average.

    1/10 storyline depth

    3/10 character development

  • TheHammer
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    --> @RationalMadman
    I'm sorry you feel that way
  • RationalMadman
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    --> @TheHammer
    I'm happy I feel that way, laughing's good for the soul.
  • spacetime
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    spacetime
    --> @bsh1 @coal
    . . .

  • Mharman
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    Mharman
    --> @TheHammer
    "I'm sorry you feel that way"

    SO IT WAS YOU.

    You have no idea how disappointed I was when I found out it was a fake. For shame.
  • SupaDudz
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    SupaDudz
    50 Shades of Disappointment 
  • Mharman
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    --> @bsh1 @coal @SupaDudz @TheHammer
    Still a better love story than Twilight.

  • thett3
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    --> @TheHammer
    just want to emphasize that this is such quality writing. bravo