Instigator / Pro
Mharman's avatar
1
Mharman
1421
rating
24
debates
31.25%
won
Topic
#6362

Chess 3

Status
Finished

The debate is finished. The distribution of the voting points and the winner are presented below.

Winner & statistics
Winner
1
1

After 2 votes and with the same amount of points on both sides...

It's a tie!
Parameters
Publication date
Last updated date
Type
Standard
Number of rounds
5
Time for argument
One day
Max argument characters
10,000
Voting period
One week
Point system
Winner selection
Voting system
Open
Contender / Con
Sir.Lancelot's avatar
1
Sir.Lancelot
1587
rating
209
debates
55.26%
won
Description

Chess game, but it goes off the rails. You’ll see. Troll debate

Round 1
Mharman's avatar
Mharman
Pro
#1
The game begins

I start with d4, as in deez nuts on yo 4head

The pawn, however, is a carrying a card: Combat Celebrant, which allows me to unleash further attacks for this turn.

I push e4, securing the full center, showing how big I can get. Con's mother is impressed. I obtain Con's mother's phone number, with devious future plans in mind.

I then take the bricks Con is about to shoot, and build a Wal-Mart on the board. With my supercenter secure, I turn toward getting this bread.

Sir.Lancelot's avatar
Sir.Lancelot
Con
#2
Except Pro is a virgin with no game, who needs my mom’s approval because his own wife won’t put out for him. 

I am Sir.Lancelot, The Knight in Shining Armor, whereas Pro is a white knight. 

Jumping to H6, I then switch to G4 now four steps ahead. Allowing his Queen Guinevere to check me out. It is then that she realizes his pint-sized genitally afflicted Napoleon complex is nothing compared to The Sword of Lancelot. So we decide to mate, and she realizes my pull-out game is so strong that I become her new King.

Round 2
Mharman's avatar
Mharman
Pro
#3
I begin my turn with the observation that Con has a single joke, and it's basically just a "no u" of what I already wrote. Knowing this, I proceed with confidence.

First I continue getting the bread. As expected, Con's bricks are paying off. Business is booming, and the dough impresses Con's mother even further. I did need her approval; that's called consent. We decided not to consent to Con's father watching from the chair, despite his pleas.

Another win for gigachad, pursuer of hot moms in his area.

Turning back the the board, I realize that in his delusions, Con has left his knight available for capture. So I kill his stupid fucking horse. Using the glue, I seal his mouth shut. I'm sure it's not the first time he's had sticky stuff all over his mouth. I would add some to his keyboard so he can't spam links to obvious references and puns because he thinks the audience is fucking stupid, but that job seems to be done already.

Oh right, that sword of his he keeps flailing about. Borrowing a pistol from the security team, I pull an Indiana Jones and put a cap in his ass, dealing significant damage. His chainmail armor does nothing to help, but instead adds extra shrapnel into the wound.

I then capture catapult, and launch my rook twice. Because mine travels further than his does, I am able to destroy both of his rooks, ruining his castle.

I proceed then by flying demoralizing pamphlets over his kingdom, burning his nearby villages, and building a statue at the top of my supercenter to commemorate. I recruit his pawns into my army, since morale is clearly better on my side.

I end my turn by reminding everyone that my opponent is a massive censorship cuck who supported some of RM's policies before turning on him over who knows what.
Sir.Lancelot's avatar
Sir.Lancelot
Con
#4
Then Pro awakens to a reality far more traumatizing than the culmination of his disturbing gooner fantasies and AI deepfakes. 
That this vivid wet dream was little more than a cope for being a virgin turned cuck. His projection materialized in the worst way possible by holding up a mirror to his former love life with Queen Guinevere and giving him false hope of trading places with the man who is now with his wife.

Worse when you realize, I’m going deeper than that. 
This check & mate was a slaughter that left Mharman’s wife a widow that abandoned her ghost cuck partner for a real man while he remains an eternal virgin raging perpetually in the afterlife. 
No amount of Pro’s vulgarities or obscenities are nearly as emasculating as the humiliation he experienced. 

Ever the dark and brooding sore loser and rage-quitter that he is, he’s lost the game so hard he faps to frustration and lashes out by killing my horse, burning my villages, and enslaving my pawns. 
It is truly so curious that nature could punish someone so malevolently. Pro is condemned to relearn loss and misery for an eternity. While I stand, promoted to King while me and my new wife ride off into the sunset.

This sucker protests policy reform after getting cucked so badly. Starting to remind me a lot of Sneako. 

Round 3
Mharman's avatar
Mharman
Pro
#5
I begin my turn sitting atop my empire. My opponent has left the board. A clear resignation. I have won.

My assistant walks in the office. I am informed that instead of only one joke, my opponent has decided to make ZERO this last round, instead lashing out angrily, even doing the famed double projection.

"Sir, that last line of your Round 2 worked. Operation: Ragebait is a success."

Con had the strength to open his glued-shut mouth. Con must have a strong mouth. Con is gay. His bishops, now captured, can confirm ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

The rest of Con's army is executed. They say stupid shit like "please no I have a family" "Wait! I can show you the latest drama about some Youtuber no one cares about that I am oddly interested in for some reason!" and "but I haven't seen the how the Chicago Cubs' postseason run yet!" The White Sox fans among them make no protest.

Like your diabetic uncle when he sees coconut cream pie at the family function, I decide to pursue. A victory lap, if you will. Rooks to 5Gs... all 18 of them.
Sir.Lancelot's avatar
Sir.Lancelot
Con
#6
It’s a shame Pro’s time ran out on the clock. 
Perhaps he should have played his turn instead of hallucinating like some wiener fiddler.

The game was a verbal castration that left him gender-swapped with green hair. I almost ended up with two moms. 
But at least I get the chance to say, I played chess against a lesbian peacock that shits on the board and knocks down all the pieces, then declares their L a W. 

Pro doesn’t fit in here, this is an arena of strategy and pure dominance. They look as if they belong to a Pride Festival as the mascot. Sometimes the employees will use Mharman’s head to clean toilets because hair that greenly bleached will clean any surface. 

Her closest friends and allies will come forward to support her transition and call her Queen.

Round 4
Mharman's avatar
Mharman
Pro
#7
Honestly I skimmed Con’s yapping there.

Anyway my turn begins.

I have caught up to my opponent. He’s slow.

First I open a debate with my opponent:

Resolved: Pro’s posts were hallucinations and did not happen, while Con’s were not.

I am Con, Con is Pro. 

1. If I am hallucinating, then what I said happened should not have happened.
2. If my opponent confirms something I did happened, then it is likely I am not hallucinating.
3. I killed Pro’s (Con’s) horse earlier. My opponent, failed to see it in R1 but acknowledged it in R2.
4. Therefore, Con (Pro) is likely not hallucinating.
5. Since Pro (Con) initially failed to acknowledge his dead horse, instead believing my “Queen was checking him out” Therefore, he is delusional.
6. Therefore, my opponent’s words cannot be taken seriously.
7. Also my opponent is a retard and therefore ad hominems against him are valid because it is funny to bully retards.

This argument wins the debate, and I win dartbux, which I exchange for Raisor Rubles.

I purchase three houses and place them on my property. Since my opponent is now running on a circular board, he eventually runs into Boardwalk Avenue and has to pay rent, something his hot mom still hasn’t made him do yet, for some reason. Anyway he takes more significant damage and is on his last leg now.

With that I can buy the browns and make my opponent work in my field, rooks on patrol.

I would buy the trains but I don’t wanna distract any autists reading this. Oops.

Fishing in con’s hot aunt’s “community chest” I find a get out of jail free card. I use it to free con’s queen from captivity, as she has been chained to con, being confused for my queen, who is still at home in the kitchen where she belongs.

Some forum mods say my reference to slavery is offensive and an endorsement of hate and therefore hate speech, so I release my opponent for a deal and offer him to gather my crops for me, however, he has to pay money to rent the tools from me. I’ve kindly provided free housing on Boardwalk Ave so he has a place to stay.

I conclude my turn by catching an Urshifu, killing off all the mom and pop shops, and teaching Con Chinese cause he’s looking Simmilar to someone else who needed it.
Sir.Lancelot's avatar
Sir.Lancelot
Con
#8
Except Mharman died in the first round and then reincarnated as a gay twinkle-fairy with green hair that’s out for blood. 

There’s no recovering from that. 

And yes. He killed my horse, burnt my villages, and enslaved my pawns but that was after he already lost. And he’s fighting simulations, not even actual targets. 
He dies a useless nerd without his dignity intact and then rematerializes as some genghis khan drag queen. 

If he grows another set of balls after that transition, it may be time to humble him again by putting his head back on toilet duty. 
Round 5
Mharman's avatar
Mharman
Pro
#9
I begin my turn by reading whatever the heck my opponent just wrote. Lol. Just lol.

Next, I throw away his stupid diary and his “but it’s all a dream” writing. That shit is obnoxious. I’ve read DDO fanfics with better writing!
 
Sending out Urshifu, I am able to land Surging Strikes. My opponent cannot protect himself, because the Pokemon Company thought to themselves: “you know what competitive needs? Another gamebreakingly busted ‘Mon!”

I’m not shocked by anything my opponent does at this point; I predict the attempt to send a shockwave and switch to Golurk, who confuses my opponent with Dynamic Punch.

“It hurts itself in its confusion” being a good summary of my opponent’s R1-4. A line about punches is better than anything my opponent has offered.

Knowing I’m about to win, I call Con’s mom again. She folds for me again. His dad raises the same idea again, and no, we are not gonna let him do it.

My opponent can keep his poker face, but alas, a royal flush. His chances have gone down the toilet. 

My opponent, left with only the chips his fatass eats, has lost thousands, and has nothing left. I would say he got cleaned out, but I don’t think that’s possible for him.

Unfortunately for con, that leaves him in debt, unable to pay off the loan I gave him for equipment. He is arrested for trial to be put in debtors’ prison. Before the judge, he is met with a dilemma:

He is a confused man, and anything he says can, will, and has been used against him. Thus, he is in this pinch:
- If he doesn’t post this next round, he looks terrible to the voters
- If he does post this round, he will say something stupid, and look terrible to the voters

Either way, the final blow will be one he has dealt to himself. He lost the battle long ago; this is the resolution to a checkmate in 3 that started long ago. 1-0.
Sir.Lancelot's avatar
Sir.Lancelot
Con
#10
All troll matches are decided by one thing.: Whoever manages to make the audience laugh the most.

So far, I have demonstrated my superiority by calling him.:
  • Virgin turned cuck
  • Wiener-fiddler
  • Gooner
  • Lesbian peacock
  • Pride Parade Mascot
  • Gay Twinkle-fairy
Round 3:

If Pro wishes to date and marry my mother, it is a decision which I happily honor and support!
Afterall, it would be the first time our family ever had a lesbian couple. Although it may be a questionable choice on the part of my new step-mother to choose a color that makes strangers suspect her of being an extra-terrestrial.
But we must be realistic about this, given the events preceding this dream goal of Pro. Afterall, how did we get here?

  1. Me and Pro were playing chess, and he realized he was up against no ordinary opponent. The anxiety and stress caused him to sweat profusely. His wife was driven away by the stench of this sewer-smelling basement dweller and left him for me.
  2. This decision caused him to collapse over a near heart-attack which caused the timer on his chess turn to run out and for me to snatch the victory. The rage he endured as a ghost was enough to revive him. 
  3. So, he spent the next few weeks lurking like a homeless nomad in his man-cave, hatching up a plan for revenge. Within this time, he came to a startling realization. His hair was thinning, and he put on a lot of weight. But he had enough patches of beard from his neck to resolve the first problem.
  4. He used duct tape to attach the patches of his neck hair to his balding scalp and then dunked his head in a tub of para-phenylenediamine with copper sulfate to complete the transformation into the green-glowing alien that may eventually become my future stepmother. 
  5. On a mission to carry out its vengeance of losing the chess match and its wife, Pro then killed my horse, burned my villages, and enslaved my pawns. It was the first ever sign of aliens invading Earth, so I contacted the local authorities. 
  6. The government swooped in and neutralized the threat. They agreed to spare Mharman but only to keep them under supervision. Mharman is now a puppet mascot for the Pride community, so the government can carry out its anti-LGBTQ agenda. Whenever Pro lashes out or acts up, he is disciplined by his superiors allowing his head to be used as a cleaning tool by custodian companies. 
  7. That, and Pro claims to have met and romanced my mother. (Which I still haven't confirmed.) But that's a story for later.