Episode XIII: The Battle

Author: thett3 ,

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  • thett3
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    Bsh was reading a fascinating piece of regulatory code about the cut of pickles allowed to be served on burgers when the knock came. Checking his watch. he was surprised to see that it was nearly 1 AM. 

    "Who could possibly be calling at this hour?"

    He looked through the peephole and saw, to his shock, YYW. 

    "YY! It's you! You're alive!" Bsh exclaimed happily as he quickly swung open the door. 

    YYW said nothing, merely moved into the entryway and closed the door. Turning around, he locked the deadbolt. 

    "How did you survive? Th-they told me you were dead!" 

    "They told me you've been talking to the FBI. The Russian infiltrated FBI." 

    "Oh YY it's horrible...it turns out that Thett was knowingly violating a whole host of regulations and he has to be brought to justice. I thought that his negligence got you killed. And you don't actually believe this fake news Russia conspiracy, do you? Republicans are just mad that President West won in a landslide. Oh G-d I thought you were dead!"

    "And yet I'm not dead."

    "You're not dead!" 

    "I'm not...but you are." 

    Before Bsh could even process that statement, YYW was swinging at him with a baseball bat. Only long practice as a pirate allowed Bsh to dodge the blow, and quickly grab a metal pipe he had lying around for narrative convenience to parry YYW's next swing. Bsh's instincts kicked in and soon enough the two were engaged in a vicious brawl that quickly spilled out of the entry way and into the living room. His heart rate rose and with it, his anger. Soon enough even though he still wasn't sure what they were fighting about he was earnestly attempting to kill YYW. 

    The two exchanged blow after blow before YYW knocked the metal pipe out of Bsh's hands. Thinking quickly, Bsh cartwheeled to his bookshelf and began throwing the entire Code of Federal Regulations at YYW, who continually batted away book after book as if he were Babe Ruth. Finally, YYW missed one and a heavy tome slammed directly into his forehead. Bsh took this chance to retrieve his metal pipe to bring it down on YYW's prone body, but he was already up. The two exchanged more blows for several minutes before YYW spoke.

    "I have failed you Bsh. I have failed you."

    "I should've known that Thett was planning to violate federal regulations!"

    "Bsh, the federal government is evil!"

    "From my point of view it's the free market that is evil."

    "THEN YOU ARE LOST!"

    More blows were exchanged before finally YYW leapt onto the coffee table. 

    "It's over Bsh! I have the high ground!"

    "You underestimate my jumping abilities!" 

    "Don't try it--white men can't jump."

    But Bsh did attempt to jump. And as he did, YYW brought his baseball bat down on his knees and suddenly the fight was over. Bsh lay on the ground moaning. 

    YYW got up to leave, but couldn't stop without saying his piece. 

    "You were the first mate! It was said that you would destroy the Russians, not join them! Bring balance to the market, not leave it in darkness."

    "I HATE YOU!" Bsh spat in response. 

    "You were my husband, Bsh. I loved you!"

    And with that, YYW turned to leave. Slamming the door behind him, he noticed for the first time a flyer tacked to the door:

    "PRESIDENTS RAP BATTLE TOURNAMENT!

    Winners and their entourage receive a private meeting with President West himself!"

    Suddenly YYW was struck with inspiration. 

    --------------------------

    Thett was incredibly nervous. As confident of a guy as he was, taking part in an intelligence community coup to depose the president and declare yourself interim President-King would rattle anyone. Mueller had outfitted Thett in the finest robes that money could buy along with a brand new Smart Crown that connected to both his iPhone, and his similarly new jeweled iSword. 

    But for better or for worse, today was the day. He had gone over the speech again and again with Tyrone who, in addition to his musical talents was a noted public speaker. Tyrone would be sticking around in Thett's administration as his speechwriter and also to provide political cover in case his blackface photo surfaced. 

    Thett was jerked out his thoughts by shouting and the sounds of a tussle. Leaving his private chambers, he saw YYW fighting Robert Mueller as RationalMadman stood by sheepishly.

    "What's going on here! Stop!"

    "Thett, do you have any idea what he did? He assaulted an FBI witness and left him in critical condition. The entire damn department is on the highest alert now. This idiot blew up everything!" 

    "Thett, you've got to listen to me" YYW interjected "Please, I have a plan that could fix it all, you don't have to do this!"

    "Robert, please allow YY to speak with me." 

    YYW gave Mueller a dirty look and then showed Thett a crumpled flyer.

    "Read this! This is our key to getting to President West and explaining everything." 

    "But I don't know how to rap." 

    "I don't either...but he does." YYW gestured to RationalMadman. "He does." 

  • thett3
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    And so the fiendishly clever plan began. The way the tournament worked is that there would first be an American Idolesque freestyle try-out. The top 128 male and 128 female rappers would then be randomly matched into 1 vs. 1 rap battles. The winner of these brackets would then face off against the reigning rap battle champions the next day in a Pay-Per-View event.

    RationalMadman had expressed doubts that he could defeat the reigning male champion, SupaDudz. However, he expressed complete confidence in his ability to destroy the female champion, Castin: 

    "How she got so high is a mystery
    Besides, her and I have history"

    Since the tournament was only a week away, the process of legally changing RationalMadman's gender to female would've been an impossible task had Mueller not been able to pull some strings. Mere hours before the deadline, RationalMadman was formally a woman and registered for the tournament as such.

    RationalMadman wowed the American Idol judges and easily qualified as one of the top 128. She selected Thett, Tyrone, YYW, and Robert Mueller as her entourage. Their job was to stare down the opponents entourage and to react appropriately when Rational dropped a sick diss. Mueller had styled his hair into a mohawk and dyed it green in order to look more "punk rock" and no one was able to dissuade him from this. 

    *Snap* 

    "Yep, this ones going in my boomer compilation" Thett said with a laugh as he took Mueller's picture. All in all, the crew had a grand time training for the tournament, and before they knew it the day had arrived. 

    Although Thett was instructed to maintain his composure, he could not prevent his jaw from dropping every time Rational shredded her opponent. He had never seen such a wordsmith before, the crowd was unanimous each time. Often her opponents simply walked off the stage without even trying to diss her back. 

    But the next day was the real challenge. The male championship took place first. Thett had never seen either of the champions rap before, and so he was dismayed when he heard upon arrival that SupaDudz had easily demolished his opponent. 

    To hype up the event up, a promotional video was played for each rapper. Castin's was simply a compilation of her greatest lines. Rational's was a lot more interesting, and explained the history between the two of them that made this personal. Apparently Castin was a moderator who had banned her from her favorite website, Debate.org. 

    This was the moment. Each rapper was allowed to choose their beat and their outfit. There would be five rounds of 30 seconds each, allowing for a lot of back and forth. Rational lost the coin toss and so she had to go first. 

    The two rappers approached each other. Castin was wearing her traditional Lisa Simpson cosplay. Rational was wearing a black wig, a pink tutu, a pink hairband, and pink gloves that came up to her elbows. Before Thett could mentally prepare himself, the beat from ILOVEFRiDAY by Wiz Khalifa began playing and Rational began her first round, dancing beautifully as she rapped. 

    "Ban or miss
    I guess they never miss, huh?
    You got a mentor, I bet he don't PM ya!
    He gon' find another site and he won't miss ya!
    He gon' quit then hit the dab like Airmaxifa!" 

    The crowd went wild. It was a first round knockout, Castin did not even attempt to give a rebuttal. 

    It was over. Rational had won. 

    --------------------------

    Thett slapped Rational on the back. YYW and Mueller were jumping up and down like little girls. Tyrone picked Rational up and put her on his shoulders. The entire team celebrated--she had done it! They were going to meet the President and avert a constitutional crisis! 

    The celebration was short lived, however as they were approached by a Secret Service agent. 

    "Congratulations. Now all of you come with me. We are going to meet the President."

    "What, now?" YYW asked incredulously. "We haven't had any time to prepare!"

    "Prepare what?"

    "Uhh...I just mean that we didn't plan for this or anyth--"

    "I assure you that the President's schedule is much tighter than yours." The Secret Service Agent said curtly. "Come with me, or don't. Up to you" 

    Even though they had not prepared their approach, they were on their way. They were going to meet President Kanye West.

  • thett3
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    --> @bsh1 @Castin @coal @RationalMadman @SupaDudz
    enjoy
  • RationalMadman
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    Utter bullshit.
  • spacetime
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    spacetime
    @RM you're literally the hero
  • thett3
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    --> @spacetime
    this is my relationship with RM, but like Drumpf and Kim Jung Un, it'll work out in the end https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/929511061954297857?lang=en
  • RationalMadman
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    --> @thett3
    Na, I'm Hillary.
  • RationalMadman
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    --> @spacetime
    Why was it I changed to female? Who was I afraid of?
  • thett3
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    --> @RationalMadman
    it wouldn’t be as funny if you didn’t go against castin 
  • Polytheist-Witch
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    Polytheist-Witch
    Another insulting piece of tripe to insult members in a form of a story. Nice job mods. 
  • thett3
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    --> @Polytheist-Witch
    who'd i insult
  • thett3
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    --> @bsh1 @Castin @David @DebateArt.com
    can one of yall make a definitive statement on if this is permitted, i think what im doing brings a lot of entertainment to the community so i just want some confirmation 
  • David
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    --> @thett3
    Fine by me
  • thett3
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    --> @David
    heart reacts only
  • RationalMadman
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    --> @thett3
    I want you to think long and deep into the history of people who used me as the sufferer for the sake of entertaining others. Not just Bench, on this site too.

    Keep thinking if you want to start a war you can't finish.
  • ResurgetExFavilla
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    ResurgetExFavilla
    I'm so glad to see the warm acceptance of trans people, and this very relatable, uplifting depiction of the gender confirmation experience.
  • thett3
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    --> @RationalMadman
    i literally gave you a positive portrayal, but don't worry your role in the story is pretty much over 
  • thett3
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    --> @ResurgetExFavilla
    thank you. this is exactly what i was going for
  • SupaDudz
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    SupaDudz
    i love this
  • thett3
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    --> @SupaDudz
    thank you sir! 
  • David
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    David
    OK so I just finished reading through all of these and I must say, thett3, you are a genius. These are truly entertaining. :clap:
  • thett3
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    --> @David
    *bows*
  • RationalMadman
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    --> @thett3
    I never asked to be in it.
  • thett3
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    --> @RationalMadman
    ok but you are portrayed as a cool but eccentric guy who lyrically owns everyone he tangles with

    this entire thing is a long running satire of contemporary politics using a fantasy setting as a backdrop and members of ddo as the characters. sir, your objections will NOT hold back art!
  • bsh1
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    --> @thett3
    Definitive statement: yeah, it's allowed (as long as it's funny). That Revenge of the Sith reference almost got the post deleted, though. Really? Bringing in that nerf-herding garbage? That's f**ked up.

    Jk. In all seriousness, these kinds of stories/fanfics are allowed to the extent that they are not genuinely trying to personally attack anyone. A little light roasting/parodying/razzing (when that is the obvious intent of the post) isn't the same as making a personal attack. I do think people should retain the right to opt-out, however, but that's really up to you.