This might be a surprise to you, but I don't think anything I do is important. In real life I don't take compliments well. In fact they kinda piss me off. After shooting a game of pool, if I stomp my opponent and they tell me good job, I say thank you but want to punch them in their face. If I did a good job why did I have to see the table twice? If I did a good job why did I miss position twice and force myself to take 2 tough shots.
If they tell me good job at work, all I can think of is the imperfect moves I made there as well, and areas that need improvement.
My two simultaneous warring feelings are that I am powerful beyond all measure and that any imperfection can have disastrous effects. One of the reasons I hate all politicians in influential positions is because they are not perfect, their decisions are not perfect and their decisions will often times even result in more destruction. Even when their decisions improve the world, often it did not improve the world in an optimal way which means less total improvement than could be accomplished which I also thinks qualifies as doing damage.
I have 2 recurring dreams. One where I punch somebody in a fight and they die, and one in which I punch them and they are unaware of it.
I go from having a personality of grandiose delusions or one of self hatred. Often at the same time.
Raising a kid is the worst. Any false move I make and he will have a less happy life than maximally optimal. Or less accomplished or less life in general. Any false move and the kids life is destroyed by not being perfect.
I like DDO/Dart because I worry less about imperfect moves and less about getting things perfect. I have to avoid debate though because of the dual reasons that I am even more of a perfectionist now and that I have less time.
If somebody applied for a job with me and they told me that their biggest weakness is their a perfectionist, I am not hiring them. It is a sly way to say they have no weakness, but in reality it is a disease of the mind. I don't feel loved because I am imperfect. I don't feel worthy of being in any position I earn because I am imperfect. It is a battle that never ends and that I can never win.
You know I rescued my siblings from my abusive father, at first by taking the blame for everything and taking their punishments. In my father's eyes they did nothing wrong, because I always volunteered to take the punishment. The torture.
One time I was weak and decided to save us all. We ended up in foster care and both were abused. The one time where I was selfish and decided to rescue myself, it hurt others. So the self blame is old and maybe it comes from always taking the blame or needing myself and them to be perfect to avoid the torture.
You know once at like 15, my beat my father in a fight, but I still accepted his abuse afterwords instead of defending myself. I think I started to think I deserved it. It seems to have gotten off topic now, but ultimately. I don't feel anything is an accomplishment. It was either meaningless because I lack control of the world outside my head or my accomplishments are monstrous because they have likely caused damage by not being maximally beneficial.