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SirAnonymous
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Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.

Trigger warning warning
Warning: There is a potentially triggering trigger warning below. If you think that you will be triggered by a trigger warning, you may not want to continue reading.

Trigger warning
The below content is satire that may make fun of your own opinions. If you think you may be triggered by the satirical depictions of your own opinions, you may not want to keep reading.


DART Bard
Edited by SirAnonymous
1st Edition

NEWS

Mod vs. Mod Debate. Apparent Loser Gets Banned. Foul Play Not Ruled Out.
By ScumAnonymous.

Former chief moderator bsh1 returned to have another debate. Voting moderator blamonkey and bsh1 had a debate titled “Resolved: The US should institute congressional term limits.” DART user Whiteflame placed a 7-4 vote favoring blamonkey, and bsh1 was banned. According to Whiteflame, the debate was a “[v]ery close one”. Most DART users seemed to be pleased with the return of the former mod, but it was not to be. After the debate had concluded, bsh1 was banned.

Analysis
By Conspi Theo
At face value, this seems perfectly normal – until you consider one thing: bsh1 didn’t commit any ban-able offenses after his return. What, then, are we to make of his ban? Given the outcome of the debate, the answer is clear: the debate was some kind of gamble between bsh1 and blamonkey in which the loser would be banned. The evidence is even more incriminating because the voting had not concluded when bsh1 was banned. Clearly, then, blamonkey is guilty of some kind of foul play, likely in conjunction with some of the other mods. These facts go hand-in-hand with the apparent disappearance of blamonkey’s fellow voting mod Ramshutu, who has not been online for a month. There is a dark conspiracy here, and we, the users of DART, must seek to unveil it and bring down these corrupt moderators.

Mafia Wins Two Games Straight
By ScumAnonymous

The feared mafia has won the last two games. In Virt’s Mafia Game, MVP Ragnar played a nearly perfect game and won with a brilliant final defense. In JARGOM, Virtuoso, mod of the previous game, won as scum after town failed to find out Greyparrot, his partner and the game MVP, even though he had lurked throughout the entire first day phase. Clearly, town on DART is utterly incompetent. The last time town won was in a quickfire when Ragnar played a not-so-perfect game and outed himself in the final DP. DART is totally incompetent at this game. Mafia rules, town drools. MUAHAHAHAHA-oh wait, was I supposed to be fair and unbiased in this report? Aw, man!

Op-Ed:IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!
By Environmental Wacko

It’s a sad day for the environment, folks. After a few weeks off to have a celebration focused around the mythical Santa in order to avoid focusing on the mythical Jesus, I have returned and discovered the most terrible fact ever: It’s the end of the world. I’m not joking. Take it slower this time. It’s. The. End. Of. The. World. Do you know why? Do you want to know how I know? My NFL predictions had yet another negative week and my record fell to 27-31, less than 0.500 (I’d calculate exact values, but calculators use electricity,and that’s bad for the environment). I know I’ve predicted environmental doom in previous negative weeks, but this time I really mean it, and this time I really do have a 97% consensus! Get ready, friends. We’re all gonna die! The end is nigh!

Editor’s Note: The 97% consensus was of the author’s social media friends,not real scientists.

MEMBERS

Disgusted and SupaDudz have returned after temp bans. What a great thang!
Ethang5 has been temp-banned. That’s supa’ disgusting!

Singularity and Bullish have joined the site. Welcome! It’s a rather singular event for someone to join this site, but I’m feeling bullish about it. I have this nagging feeling that I’m forgetting other new members, but my brain, which is usually an iron trap, is toasted at the moment.

CLASSIFIED

The DART Bard is currently looking for more writers. We are especially interested in hiring members of the following positions:
International Reporter (News from other debate websites)
Current Events Reporter (Additional reporter to write articles on debates,forum posts, members, and other events)
Both positions pay approximately $0.00 an hour with potential bonuses of $0.00 per article. Writers are expected to submit at least one article per month and should expect editor input on articles. Some articles may be rejected or be returned with a request for rewriting,or otherwise edited. Articles will be sent by PM to SirAnonymous, editor of the DART Bard. Applications will also be sent to the editor. If there are too many applicants, some will have to be rejected. We of the Bard apologize in advance to anyone who is turned down. The public will be informed when the positions are filled.

DARTvivor S3 is looking for more members to sign up. Find the sign-ups in the Forum Games section and add your /in to play. See you in Japan!

Ramshutu is looking for someone with computer-related experience, preferably a Russian hacker, to help him get back into his account after the Illuminati locked him out for unknown but doubtless nefarious reasons.

SirAnonymous
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If anyone has any feedback about what does and doesn't work, I would be glad to hear it so I can improve with each edition.
WaterPhoenix
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dude, $0 pay what a steal. I want in.
WaterPhoenix
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dude, $0 pay what a steal. I want in.
SirAnonymous
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--> @WaterPhoenix
Yes, I see it as my duty to pay my employees so much that I go bankrupt. :)

If you really want in, PM me.
David
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This is awesome. Great work! 
SirAnonymous
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--> @David
Thanks!
David
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--> @SirAnonymous
No problem. 
SupaDudz
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Iconic! You get the Supa seal of creative approval
SirAnonymous
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Thanks! Am I the first recipient of this noble seal?
PressF4Respect
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You forgot the impending armageddon 
SirAnonymous
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Thanks.
SirAnonymous
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--> @PressF4Respect
I did forget that. Maybe next time.
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--> @SirAnonymous
UR WELCOME
coal
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control + F "coal"

"no results"

Grade: F
SirAnonymous
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--> @coal
That's funny.
PressF4Respect
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--> @coal
Grade: F
Thank you for paying respects to Dart bard good sir
Ragnar
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That was great!

About the only thing I would change, is adding links to what's being talked about, and posting advertisements for this news program at the locations in question.
SirAnonymous
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Thanks! Those are good ideas.

Ragnar
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Oh and you may want to add a Trigger Warning Warning Warning... Just in case anyone might cry about being triggered by the warning about trigger warnings, you'll have pre-warned them so they can avoid ever being exposed 🤣
SirAnonymous
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That's a good idea! I wonder if I'll need a trigger warning warning warning warning as well?

Ragnar
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We might need a series of pages to navigate through, with special puzzles to advance, all to prepare people for the trigger warnings.
Lunatic
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Nice, I like that it's got personality and wit, not so dry. Very good.
SirAnonymous
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Thanks!
SupaDudz
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BARD is here to stay! Praise BARD