History Explained Ep. 1: The Fall of Rome, Feat. Trum Porter

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  • SirAnonymous
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    SirAnonymous
    Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of any political movements mentioned in it. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. None of the below content necessarily reflects my own opinions and beliefs.

    HISTORY EXPLAINED
    Episode 1, 1/20/2020: The Fall of Rome
    A production of the DART Bard
    Featuring Trum Porter

    Editor's Note: In our modern days, ignorance of basic history has become rampant. In this new project of the Bard, we are trying to educate the public about history in a fun but informative way. We are excited to announce the first episode in our series History Explained.

    The Fall of Rome
    In the early years of the fourth century, the great Roman Empire was secure under the reign of its Emperor, Constantine. His acceptance of Judeo-Christian values was a major reason he was able to reunite the Empire and protect it from invaders. After he died, however, the emperors after him relied on extortion and corruption. They paid for this deep state corruption with inflation. I probably don't have to tell you that they were Democrats. At the same time, the Roman leaders foolishly allowed illegal German immigrants to settle within their lands. This invasion of illegals was one of the major reasons the Empire collapsed. Beyond any doubt, they should have built a big, beautiful wall to keep Rome great; however, the liberals were in charge. Finally, Emperor Julian (R) began an anti-deep-state campaign in 360. He even fought a war against the Sassanids, knowing that wars are, of course, great and easy to win. Sure, he encouraged non-Christian religions, but hey, he was an emperor, not a pastor. King David wasn't perfect either. Most importantly, he sent the Roman army to deal with the illegal immigrants from Germany. Sadly, the deep state prevented him from making them pay for a wall. Less than two years later, the great Roman Empire split into two pieces once again. The official story was that it was split between the brothers Valens and Valentinian, but we know from Breitbart that the real reason was that a civil war started when the deep state tried to ban assault swords. After that, Rome began to fall harder and faster. German barbarians fleeing the Huns invaded Rome just like illegal immigrants invade America today. After that, the Huns themselves invaded. The only bright spot was when the leader of the Christian church in Rome, Leo I, was able to negotiate with one of the Vandal leaders to avoid any further death during one of the many sacks of Rome (remember when I said that Judeo-Christian values helped Constantine keep Rome together? Here they are, WINNING again). Finally, in 476, the Empire was unable to defend itself and fractured into multiple states. 
    The lesson to be learned here is obvious. The Romans continually failed to build a wall and allowed deep state libs to run the country into the ground. Had they chosen to Make Rome Great Again, they might have avoided their eventual collapse to the invading illegal immigrants. This is why it's so important to keep Dimocrats out of office and keep America great, so we avoid the fate of Rome.

    Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.

    Click here for this month's edition of the Bard:

    I've noticed that my normal satire makes fun of the left more than the right, so I decided to switch it up with this. What parts do you think worked, and what parts didn't? I'd be glad to know how I can improve in the future.
  • WaterPhoenix
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    --> @SirAnonymous
    Every single part was hilarious,
    the real reason was that a civil war started when the deep state tried to ban assault swords.
    this especially. More of this please!

  • SirAnonymous
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    --> @WaterPhoenix
    Thanks. That was my favorite part to write. My plan is to post a History Explained episode in the middle of the month between editions of the Bard.
  • WaterPhoenix
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    --> @SirAnonymous
    Nice.
  • Discipulus_Didicit
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    --> @SirAnonymous
    What parts do you think worked, and what parts didn't? I'd be glad to know how I can improve in the future.

    I fully expected you to mention that the west fell first then shove a 'west will rise again' reference in somehow.

    As it was I think it turned out pretty well. Looking forward to you doing other time periods and I am sure that everyone is unavoidably thinking "oh dear, chapter one ended only about a century prior to the rise of Islam..."
  • SirAnonymous
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    Thanks! I plan to jump around from one time period to another rather than go chronologically.
  • Mopac
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    The Roman Empire continued to live on for another thousand years in the city bearing Constantine's name.

    Eventually it was overrun by the Turks, but it had a good run.

  • SirAnonymous
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    I know that. However, a TRUE Trump fan isn't bothered by such details.
  • Mopac
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    Fyi....

    Constantinople had a yuuuge wall.
  • SirAnonymous
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    I'd forgotten that. However, that's just more proof that Republican Emperors are great and Democrat Emperors aren't.

48 days later

  • fauxlaw
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    Thanks! I plan to jump around from one time period to another rather than go chronologically.
    <br>
    Oh, good. time is irrelevant, and has been since I retired. Thankfully, no one gave me a watch. I don't wear one anymore, anyway. Besides, time is merely a human invention to score how log its been since I could trust a fart. Maybe you could do a piece launching from Time Bandits.