Total topics: 12
Emily Litella asks "Why does Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips advertise this way? " Amelia may not make it home""?
Created:
Updated:
Category:
Current events
Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. I wonder whether anyone actually reads these disclaimers. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.
DART BARD
Edited by SirAnonymous
5th edition
NEWS
End of an Era: Users Preserve DDO History as Juggle Shuts It Down
By Environmental Wacko
One week ago, Debate.org, commonly referred to as DDO, was shut down by its controversial owner, Juggle. For years, DDO was home to a thriving indigineous community of debaters. After being acquired by Juggle, the website sank into a sea of spam and trolls, prompting the majority of users to jump ship. Rather than attempt to conserve this natural landmark, Juggle decided to attack the online debating environment by shutting the website down. In response, a variety of environmental activists banded together to preserve the legacy of their former habitat. Mharman set up a DDO history server that, among other things, included data from hundreds of mafia games. Meanwhile, USBurning archived the website’s debates, forums, profiles, and polls. While the environment-haters hold positions of power today, they will never win. It is up to us to ensure that the online debating environment will live on!
Environmental Wacko is a climate activist, blogger, and professional basket-weaver.
Report: Former DDO Trolls Struggle to Move on After Debate Bridge Collapses
By Carl Engels
After DDO’s descent into irrelevance, it became home to an unending stream of trolls sheltering under its bridge. Now that the bourgeoisie at Juggle have taken down the website, these trolls have suddenly found themselves without a home. According to reports, this had led to severe cases of anxiety, depression, and turning into stone after exposure to daylight. Comrades, we must help our proletariat brothers. Without the ability to promote conspiracy theories denying the existence of viruses or home-health remedies that would make even Gwynneth Paltrow retch or even openly promoting pedophilia, these trolls may be forced to do something other than spew lies, insults, and advertisements. Why, horror of horrors, they might be forced to enter the slavery and oppression of capitalism and - gasp- get a job! In fact, they might even -
“I don’t need your sympathy, you molon-labe screaming eel biting cataract with a rotund ball-bearing vanilla-rotten teeny bopper! That’s just your miss-steak, you hateful…”
Ahem! Actually, on second thought, maybe getting off the internet would be good for them.
Carl Engels is a writer from California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll Get It Right This Time.
DART Bard Editor Pretends That His Paper is Still Relevant
By Grandpa Curmudgeon
Oh look, guess who’s back. Yup, it’s that guy who thinks he’s sooo funny that he writes a paper called the DART Bard. Just you watch that punk pretend that no one noticed he and his crummy paper disappeared for months. That rapscallion is just going to pretend that his paper is still relevant, isn’t he? Well, back in my day, if you opened a business, you worked. When I was yer age, I didn’t slack off and miss work. No sirree, I was there every day from sunup to sundown working. But now you can just disappear from work for a year and then come back like you never left? Kids these days. Irresponsable, lazy slackers. And then here comes this “editor” pretending that people will still care about his paper. Yup, you see him, sonny? That right there is what we used to call a failure.
Grandpa Curmudgeon is the proud grandfather of seven young rascals. He spends his days writing, thinking, and throwing his dentures at lazy losers - Yipe!
RationalMadman Foils Illuminati and Reaches Second Place on Leaderboard
By Conspi Theo
After climbing up the debate leaderboard, former King of the Hill RationalMadman recently reached second place on the leaderboard. His rating peaked at 1800, making him the second debater to reach the mark, following only the legendary shapeshifting reptilian oromagi. He has also passed 400 debates. But the Illuminati isn’t finished yet, friends! They’ve sabotaged RM and brought him back down to third! It’s clear that they’ve corrupted the moderators and are trying to claim the leaderboard for themselves. They’ve obviously used chemtrails to brainwash voters into voting against him. You all need to wake up, sheeple!
Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn’t researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.
Opinion: Chuck Norris Doesn’t Lose Debates. Debates Lose Chuck Norris.
By ScumAnonymous
Currently, users Conservallectual and Intelligence06 are debating whether Chuck Norris is the most powerful man in the universe. As interesting as that topic is, I think it brings us all to an even more interesting and important topic: Chuck Norris doesn’t lose debates. Debates lose Chuck Norris. The first part is obvious. Chuck Norris has a grand total of zero debate losses on DART. That’s better than oromagi, pal. And this is because, as we all know, Chuck Norris is the most powerful force in the universe. So if you’ve lost a debate, then obviously you don’t have the most powerful force in the universe. You’ve lost Chuck Norris. So if you want to win debates, then harness your inner Chuck Norris and roundhouse kick your opponent’s arguments straight through the plot armor and back into the future!
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.
Opinion: Missing Max
By Trump Porter
DART’s first elected president, airmax1227, has only made one post in the last four months. That makes him even sleepier than Sleepy Joe. What this clearly shows is that the presidential experiment has been a failure. The opponents of the office were correct. DART has no president. DART needs no president. No, ladies and gentleman, Republicans and DemoRATS, DART needs A KING. A king with the energy of Trump, the policies of America’s greatest president, the fighting spirit of The Donald. That’s right, folks. What DART needs is King Donald the Orange. Make DART Great Again!
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
SPORTS
Mafia Returns to DART
By ScumAnonymous
After months of inactivity in the forum games section, mafia has reasserted its presence on DART. Mharman is currently running an NFL mafia game, and WyIted has sign-up for a World Series of Poker game. As exciting as it is to see the game return to DART, it is a testimony to the fear-inducing reputation of the mafia that the game was absent for so long. Town cowered in terror at the mention of mafia! The mafia laughed and scorned town’s pathetic attempts to find them out! Now, with mafia’s return, we will once again terrorize the town! Muahahahaha!
Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed above belong to the author and do not represent the opinions of this newspaper. What could have possessed me to hire a mafioso to report on mafia games?
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso, sports writer, and deranged lunatic.
MEMBERS
Mall has returned to DART.
Novice has switched to his new account Novice_II, and Wylted has made a new account called WyIted, which has a capital i, not a lowercase L.
Untotalgenio, jamezrevenge, and MrDemographic2050 have joined the website. Please welcome them!
CLASSIFIED
RationalMadman is letting people know what he thinks whiteflame thinks about them. Go join the fun!
WyIted is looking for players in the World Series of Poker mafia! Let him know that you’re all in!*
*I may have stolen that joke from Mharman. Maybe. Possibly.
If you want to submit story suggestions or even complete stories to the DART, feel free to PM the editor!
Created:
Updated:
Category:
DebateArt.com
Per Politico:
- It is my great honor to be speaking tonight at the nation’s most distinguished superspreader event. Did none of you learn anything from the Gridiron dinner? … The second someone offers you a free dinner you all turn into Joe Rogan.
- I’m not doing this just for the attention. All right? I’m a comedian, not Kyrsten Sinema. … By the way, give it up for Kyrsten Sinema. Whoever thought we’d see the day in American politics when a senator could be openly bisexual, but closeted Republican? That’s progress.
- We all saw what happened at the Oscars. I’ve actually been a bit worried about tonight. I’m not going to lie. What if I make a really mean joke about Kellyanne Conway, and her husband rushes up on the stage and thanks me?
- I’ve just got to say, this is so exciting. To be at this swanky party full of Washington’s most powerful people. It’s not as exciting as Madison Cawthorn made it sound, but it’s still very sexy.
- Trump said he won the election, but everyone was just able to look at the numbers and see that he was wrong. That’s why Ron DeSantis is one step ahead — first you ban the math textbooks, then nobody knows how to count the votes. Boom. My man!
- The great chef José Andrés is here tonight. … Whenever there’s a disaster anywhere in the world, chef José is there, which I guess is why he’s sitting at the CNN table tonight.
- The real reason that it’s such an honor to be here tonight is that we all get to be in the same room as the most powerful man in the United States. So let’s give it up for Joe Manchin, everybody.
- Even as first lady, Dr. Biden continued her teaching career. The first time a presidential spouse has done so, ever. Congratulations. Now, you might think it’s because she loves teaching so much, but it’s actually because she’s still paying off her student debt. I’m sorry about that, Jill. I guess you should’ve voted for Bernie.
- I think everyone will agree that it’s actually nice to once again have a president who’s not afraid to come to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, and hear jokes about himself. I’ll be honest, if you didn’t come, I totally would have understood because these people have been so hard on you, which I don’t get. I really don’t. And I think ever since you’ve come into office, things are really looking up. You know, gas is up, rent is up, food is up, everything.
- President Biden’s lack of a filter does get him into hot water sometimes. Last month, he caused a huge international incident saying that Vladimir Putin should be removed from power. It was very, very upsetting to Russia until someone explained to them that none of the stuff Biden wants actually gets done.
- What about Maggie Haberman? For four years, it was exclusives on the Russia investigation, corruption, the president doesn’t read his daily briefings, on and on. Now look at her. She spends all day fighting with random people on Twitter like a common POLITICO reporter. You’ve ruined her Mr. President.
- Jen [Psaki], it’s nice that you’re willing to come over here and risk getting Covid for like, what, the 10th time now? Let me ask, how do you keep getting Covid, Jen? Like your boss hooked us all up with free tests. Does he not have your address? What’s going on there?
- I’m really excited because the kings of cable are here. Fox News in the house … I know Fox has a bad reputation — I can even feel you tense up now when I talk about them. They really do crush it. You know, I think they get a bad rap. Because it’s a mixed bag. They actually have really good journalists, it just depends on when you watch. Fox News is sort of like a Waffle House. Yeah, it’s relatively normal in the afternoon, but as soon as the sun goes down, there’s a drunk lady named Jeanine threatening to fight every Mexican who comes in.
- Apparently, Jeff [Zucker] got fired after he tried to keep his workplace relationship secret, which is weird because if he really didn’t want anyone to know about it, he could have just made a show about it on CNN+. … It’s so sad. CNN+, gone but forgotten. You know who I blame? You know who I blame, CNN? John King … your magic wall can predict how every person in the country is going to vote in every county, but it couldn’t give you a heads up that nobody wanted more CNN?
- Please be careful leaving tonight, we all know this administration doesn’t handle evacuations well.
Created:
Updated:
Category:
Current events
Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. I wonder whether anyone actually reads these disclaimers. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.
DART BARD
Edited by SirAnonymous
4th edition
“To everyone legitimately taking this post seriously, thank you the most for your brilliant obliviousity.” - MisterChris
NEWS
Breaking News: Arrogant Punk Foolishly Tries to Compete with the Bard
By Grandpa Curmudgeon.
I just been down to the Post Office, and what do I see but some young punk tryin’ to compete with the DART Bard. Intelligence_06 – a rather ironic name, I do think – has started a satire paper called On the Bullseye. Yeah, punk, that’s exactly where my cane is headed. This young rip even markets his rag by saying, “You are looking at the main competitor of SirAnonymous' DART Bard, except, things here will always be more realistic, more reliable, and more anonymous than DART Bard.” Kids these days got no respect. No, they’re all trying to compete with established, respectable institutions like the Bard, thinking they can do better with all their new ideas. Listen, sonny, you got a lot to learn. All your big ideas ain’t gonna get you nowhere. New ideas never succeed; they’re never funny; they’re never worth working hard on and learning. I been here on this planet for many years now, and I ain’t never seen a new idea that was a good one. All you young lads can do what you like, but definitely don’t waste your time reading fresh satire with fresh ideas and fresh perspectives. It’s not worth your while, let me tell you that.
Grandpa Curmudgeon is the proud grandfather of seven young rascals. He spends his days writing, thinking, and using his cane to teach lessons to bothersome peop– OW!
Report: Mike Prepares Website for the Inevitable Flood of Post-Election Tears
By ScumAnonymous.
According to sources, debateart.com owner Mike is preparing the website for an incoming influx of post-election tears. The United States presidential election is only two days away, and the website will need to be at its strongest to withstand this flood. Sources from across the political spectrum affirm that this is the most important election of our lifetimes (until the next election), which means that a flood of catastrophic intensity is expected. It is currently unclear whether these tears will be liberal or conservative tears. Our sources confirm that Mike is ready for either possibility. The type of tears could be a major issue, experts say. Liberal tears tend to be accompanied by loud screaming at the sky, demands for safe spaces, and mostly peaceful protests. Conservative tears, on the other hand, are more likely to be accompanied by mental breakdowns as Trump’s ardent supporters will be forced to come to terms with a situation they’ve refused to consider possible. However, experts are confidently predicting that there won’t be any third-party, independent, or Never-Trump tears. Despite the fact that their political beliefs dictate that they constantly lose, so they should be constantly crying, experts say they will be too busy preening themselves on their moral superiority over major-party voters to waste time crying.
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.
Intelligence_06 Falls out of the Top 5 as MisterChris Jumps to Number 4
By Trum Porter
After three consecutive losses, Intelligence_06 has dropped out of the Top 5. Before his losing streak, he had blazed a fast path to the Top 5, taking less than three months to become a Challenger after opening a new account. As our revered leader would say, he won so much that he got tired of winning. However, DART members don’t have to quit winning just yet. MisterChris has risen to fourth place with a 16-debate winning streak that, according to experts, can only be described as“Terrific!” It will come as no surprise to TRUE patriots that MisterChris is a conservative and a Trump supporter. The regressive left just can’t compete with that much WINNING! In other news, Ragnar, who is a progressive, has passed Ramshutu to take 2nd place. But, uh, just ignore that one. It’s fake news. We all know that stupid libs don’t have any facts on their side, so he clearly won by voter fraud! Voters are totally biased toward leftist debaters, which is exactly why they voted against self-declared lib-left Intelligence_06 for 3 debates in a row and for conservative-leaning libertarian MisterChris for 16 debates in a row– um, I mean, uh, uh, nothing to see here!
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
Ragnar Passes Ramshutu to become the Number One Voter
By Conspi Theo
Ragnar passed Ramshutu’s record of 634 votes to become the number one voter on DART. At the time of this writing, he has reached a jaw-dropping 644 votes. However, all is not as it seems. Just nine days ago, he removed two votes on a debate. This slip-up exposes the reality behind his “record”: he’s achieved it by abusing his powers as a moderator to remove others’ votes. Why, you ask? Because he wants to appear as though he’s doing everyone on the site a great service with his votes, when he’s really a corrupt tyrant! He only got to first place by removing everyone else’s votes because he wanted all the credit for himself! In fact, he probably didn’t even write his own votes. That one time he removed those votes is proof that he is too lazy to actually vote enough to take the record, and being lazy is proof that he hasn’t written his own votes. The conclusion is unavoidable: Ragnar has been removing other people’s votes and copy-pasting their RFDs as his own. This completely speculative, baseless argument is unassailable proof of his corruption. Join me in my brave stand against this villain by doing absolutely nothing beyond complaining in contexts where I’m absolutely certain he won’t do anything about it. Together, we can stop this corruption!
Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn’t researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.
Seldiora Celebrates Reaching the 100-Debate Milestone
By Environment Wacko
DART member and elderly statesman seldiora recently completed his 100th debate. He is currently at 102 completed debates, making him the third most prolific debater on the website. Reaching one hundred is a significant milestone in today’s world, in which the life expectancy is only in the 70s. Upon completing this achievement, the grey-headed fossil sagely commented, “100th debate, yay!” According to sources close to the antiquated relic, his longevity is, unsurprisingly, due to his great appreciation of the environment. Some of his recent debates include debating in support of alternative energy and drawing attention to climate change. His profile picture of trees illustrates his commitment to the environmentalist relig–er, cause. The only debaters on DART with a longer lifespan are Type1, who was laid to rest at 119, and RationalMadman, who is still going strong at 294. Some have compared RationalMadman to Methusaleh, but these people clearly hate science, because Methusaleh never existed and the Bible that claims he does is printed on trees. Clearly, then, people who make such comparisons are tools of environment-hating corporations who support deforestation. However, so as not to dwell on such things, let’s all congratulate seldiora on his impressive achievement and tell him how much we youngsters appreciate the contributions of 102-year-old antiques like him!
Environmental Wacko is a climate activist, blogger, and professional basket-weaver.
Op-Ed: Why the Rash of Debater Rankings is Sparking Class Division among DART Members
By Carl Engels
A series of threads have appeared on DART purporting to rank debaters by skill. The aforementioned senior citizen seldiora listed his top 10 debaters and described their abilities. BearMan chimed in with his own list, as did RationalMadman, ranking his top20 picks. At first, this all seems like innocent fun, until you start looking closer. Consider, comrades, what ranking is. Ranking is saying “This person is better than this person.” Putting debaters in the top 10 or 20 elevates them above their peers. This apparently innocent fun suddenly takes on more insidious qualities. Dividing people into classes is exactly what the bourgeoisie want. They want you to believe that you are inferior so you don’t rise up against them. Instead, they declare that they are better than the rest of us. Comrades, we must not be fooled by these capitalist tyrants. They want us to waste our time running in circles to get to the Top 10 so we also can be bourgeoisie. When they say, “These 10 are the best,” we say, “No, the people are the best.” We are the people, and we will not be seduced by the illusion of “skilled debating” that they promote!
Carl Engels is a writer from California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll Get It Right This Time.
SPORTS
Town Defeats Mafia in a Four Game Streak.
By ScumAnonymous
Fellers, I just don’t know what to say anymore. The town is cleaning house on the mafia these days. After some serious drama and a controversial modkill, town somehow pulled a victory out of the Technology Mafia. In the Ultimate Weabu Universe Mafia, town only needed three DPs to defeat the mafia, thanks to the stellar efforts of MVP Danielle. Town took longer to win the protracted 6-DP Avatar:The Last Airbender Mafia, but they inevitably pulled through. Then, in the Bad Mod Mafia, mafia conce– you know what, I’m not doing this. I can’t take any more of this, fellers. I’m heading straight to my tax attorney to make sure my taxes are right. You may catch Al Capone and every mafioso on the website with your silly tax fraud accusations, but this here is one criminal that isn’t getting caught. No sirree, you’re not getting to me. You’re not. I tell you, you’re not. YOU WON’T GET TO ME!!!
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso, sports writer, and occasional mental health patient.
Seldiora Hosts a Gauntlet Tournament as BearMan’s Tournament Reaches Final Showdown
By ScumAnonymous
YOU WON’T GET – erm, ahem, excuse me. Just need a moment. All righty, where was I? Tournaments. Well, fellers, we’ve got some exciting news. BearMan’s debate tournament has reached the highly anticipated final round. The distinguished finalists are SupaDudz and MisterChris. Up to this point, we’ve seen some of the boldest and most talented debaters on DART give their all in a series of strongly contested debates. This last debate is going to sight to see, and you do not want to miss it. And of course, stay tuned to the DART Bard for all the latest news on the tournament. We’ve got more good news for you: seldiora is hosting a new tournament. This tournament is gauntlet style. A single challenger has to try to run the gauntlet by defeating five progressively stronger debaters. The brave challenger, Ayyantu, has already made it through the first debater, who was seldiora himself.The second debate is in progress. As always, stay tuned to the Bard for all the exciting developments.
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.
Created:
Updated:
Category:
DebateArt.com
To my nephew,
It's coming again: Thanksgiving, one of the few times you get to see your least favorite uncle. You aren't looking forward to it, but I most certainly am. I'll walk in the door proudly wearing my MAGA hat and pretend to be surprised by your cousin's fiance. I'll say, "That, erm, dark-skinned man, was he invited?" And you'll stand there and die inside. My brother - your dad - will glare at me fiercely, but I'll just pretend I don't notice. We'll sit down at the table for dinner. Your dad will pray over the meal, and I'll make a point of saying "Amen!" just a little too loudly when he's done. As we eat, your mom will ask us to say what we're most thankful for. Everyone else will say something happy and cliche like family or being together. But like the good patriot I am, I'll loudly proclaim that I'm thankful that Trump is fighting back against the deep state's coup to steal the election. Boy, that's gonna be fun! We'll argue until we're blue in the face. I'll be sure to send plenty of leering looks at your mom as she holds her head in her hands, silently wishing she hadn't invited me. I'll go off on a rant about how them stupid libs want all those illegal Mexican invaders to vote. Your dad will somehow get me to leave the table so he can talk to me in private. Of course, everyone will know that he'll be telling me to quit talking about politics. Of course, I'll pretend to agree. Of course, as soon as I step back into the room, I'll say that I'll be leaving early. Of course, I'll be sure to take a parting shot about the "gay agenda" as I head out the door. I'll be laughing as I leave, knowing that your purple-haired crazy SJW Aunt Claire is going to lecture you in a super-triggered, shrill tone about what a deplorable bitter clinger I am. For. Three. Hours. If you thought I was crazy, just wait till she starts femi-splaining nutty denunciations of me, the Republican party, and alt-right neo-Nazis - which to her are indistinguishable. And that will complete another successful Thanksgiving. After all, what better way to give thanks than to divide the family with hyperpartisan talking points? Sure, you may hate me now and wish I wasn't part of the family. But, let me tell you, kid, when you've lived as long as I have and drank as many beers as I have - okay, that second one probably isn't possible - you'll realize that I was right about those commies all along. Don't worry. You'll learn. But you'll hate me for every minute of it.
Sincerely,
Your crazy conservative Uncle.
Created:
Updated:
Category:
Miscellaneous
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of any political movements mentioned in it. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). I wonder whether anyone actually reads these copy-pasted disclaimers. This is completely satirical. None of the below content necessarily reflects my own opinions and beliefs.
HISTORY EXPLAINED
Episode 3, 10/18/2020: The First Crusade
A production of the DART Bard
Featuring ScumAnonymous
Well, pal, it all started in 1095 when the Byzantine emperor noticed the Seljuq Turks were steppin' on his turf. He knew that, if that kept up, he and his empire would be wearin' cement overshoes. So off he went to ask the big boss, Pope Urban II, for some help. Boss Urban was a real pal, so he went around his home turf in France to get people to help the emperor. Well, some hermit named Peter and a knight called Walter got all carried away and led a bunch of reckless fellers east. Before they got there, they fought battles in Hungary cause they were hungry. When they finally did get to the front, well, pal, that was a blood red August, and it wasn't Seljuq blood, let me tell you. But those fellers were just small fry. The real deal started when the French and Norman bosses got together with their boys. Thirty-five thousand knights joined up with the emperor and his boys and got ready to whoop some Turks. They took Nicaea first. Then the Normans ran into the Turks, who were led by Arslan - yes, pal, Arslan, not Aslan. Pay attention, there ain't no lions in this story. As I was saying, the Normans ran into the Turks, and they were in some trouble until the French got there. Back then, see, the French weren't no surrender monkeys. They whooped the Turks and marched on Antioch. It took them so long to take the city that hundreds of the crusaders starved, see. Well, that made them real mad, pal, real mad. They marched on Jerusalem, and when they took it, it was a bloody day. They meant business, and they didn't mess around. Even people who hid in mosques and synagogues were blown away. They even burned a synagogue full of people. It wasn't pretty, pal, but it kept the Seljuq Turks off their turf for years.
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.
Special Announcement:
Our old friend Mopac is back. Go say hello to him in his AMA before he leaves permanently to become a monk.
Created:
Updated:
Category:
DebateArt.com
Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.
DART BARD
Edited by SirAnonymous
3rd Edition
Special Extended Hall of Fame Edition
"An extremist is someone who can't laugh at their own opinions."
NEWS
Chief Moderator Virtuoso Changes Name to David in Yet Another Illuminati Kidnapping.
By Conspi Theo.
DART's chief moderator Virtuoso has changed his username to David just weeks after debate moderator christopher_best changed his username to MisterChris. No official reasons have been provided, but, according to a source who chose not to be identified for fear of angering the Illuminati, this is evidence that they have been secretly kidnapped by the Illuminati and replaced by Illuminati agents David and MisterChris. The New World Order is slowly tightening its grip on DART. First, it locked former debate moderator Ramshutu out of his account. Next, bsh1 was banned after a corrupt gamble with blamonkey. Now, two of DART's four active moderators have been kidnapped by the New World Order. DART's membership needs to stand up to this tyranny and expose this conspiracy for what it truly is. "They" will never win!
Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn't researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.
New Challengers: Intelligence_06 and MisterChris Enter the Top 5
By Trum Porter
DART users Intelligence_06 and MisterChris have displaced Trent0405 and semperfortis in the Top 5, claiming the title of Challengers. While these two are out there WINNING, Sleepy Trent hasn't even taken on any debates to regain his position. Sad! Meanwhile, RationalMadman, who reached 3rd place before being banned and falling to 9th, has been accepting debates left and right like a logical lunatic in an effort to climb the ranks. According to the latest reports, former challenger Speedrace is returning to debating after participating in a tournament. That's right, folks. We have four contenders preparing to battle it out for the title of Challenger. What a great competition, the best, really. Not many people know this, but I've looked at the numbers, and there are only two available places for four debaters. However, that will only last until Ragnar - a great debater, really a great guy, the best - overtakes Ramshutu. The undefeated legend is only 9 points behind that quitter Ramshutu, and he's leading the voting in two debates, which should be enough to put him at number 2. So much winning! We're going to witness a great battle between DART's best for the Top 5, and it'll be tremendous, just tremendous, and you can read all about it here at the DART Bard!
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
HALL OF FAME
Editor's Note: This month, the best users, threads, debates, and miscellaneous gems have been inducted into the DART Hall of Fame. We at the DART Bard would like to congratulate those who were inducted personally or had their debates, threads, and content inducted. We are celebrating this ceremonious occasion with this special extended version of the DART Bard, in which we'll cover each of the entrants. Congratulations to everyone who made it! --SirAnonymous
Users
By Carl Engels
--oromagi
A clear proletariat hero. With no formal debate experience and only a rhetoric course to aid him, this member of the common rabble has surpassed all expectations, including his own, to reach the top of the debate leaderboard. Take that, you bourgeoisie elitists!
--Ragnar
Yeah, the deputy mod gets in. That's totally not the bourgeoisie helping each other out, nope, definitely not. I'm definitely not disgusted by the capitalist corruption that let an aristocrat like him into the HoF, no, not at all.
--SupaDudz
What a great comrade! He's made more posts in the forums than any other user, he's an active debater, musical artist, poet, and rapper. Now if only he'd join the Communist Party, he'd be flawless.
Debates
By ScumAnonymous
--Resolved: The US should institute congressional term limits (blamonkey vs. bsh1)
In this epic blow, blamonkey lays out a stunning case against using term limits to remove mafia-friendly legislators while cooly gunning down the arguments of former site cop bsh1. Opening his violin case and blowing away bsh1's account while he was at it was a nice touch.
--Legalized Abortion (vector vs. MisterChris)
This debate was okay, but it was better back when Chris wore his stylish black hat from the 20s that made him look like a mafia hitman. Still worth reading, though.
--Is Jesus the Messiah? (Dustandashes vs. Virtuoso, a.k.a. David)
This was an awesome debate that helped me understand why people believe - wait, is that-a the sheriff? You-a, deal, with him, Tony.
Threads
By Trum Porter
--DART Bard, 1st Edition, 1/3/2020 (SirAnonymous)
Tremendous thread! Maybe even best ever! Not many people know this, but this thread was a defining moment in DART history. It was the start of something great! It was written by good people, trust me, they are great people, the best. I know some really smart people, but these guys are really, really smart people. Tremendously smart. And that editor, he's the best, maybe, I don't know, maybe ever. Some people say that. A lot of people say that. Some people don't say it, but I don't listen to those people. They don't win. They're losers, actually. Not good. Sad. Not like this thread. It won so much, and it keeps winning. In fact, we're tired of winning, but we can't stop. Believe me, this is the greatest thread, believe me. Just great.
--I will stereotype debaters properly. (RationalMadman)
RM stereotyped a lot of great people in this thread, and he was great. Fantastic. Winning. It was hilarious, really funny, not like the fake news media which has no sense of humor. They lie a lot, believe me. But RM was fantastic in this thread, amazing. He's a smart guy, really smart. We need more people who can write like this. You should read it.
--DEBATE ART TOURNAMENT ROUND ONE (Bearman)
This was great, believe me, I am really sick of doing my impression of Trump. He's the best president ever and tells it like it is, but I just can't do it like he does it. Any way, you should definitely check out this thread. Bearman set up a debate tournament with ten different debaters, which hasn't been done on DART in over a year. I can't imagine anything more true to the spirit of this site than this thread. Congratulations, and well done.
Miscellaneous
By Environmental Wacko
--Ragnar is the natural alpha male of this website. (RationalMadman)
I am so triggered right now. How can anyone think that promoting toxic masculinity at a time like this is at all acceptable? This is what's wrong with the world. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!!! Stop being a misogynist who promotes alpha male trash, or I'll make sure you get canceled.
--BrotherDThomas’ performance art (BrotherDThomas)
BrotherDThomas, a longstanding advocate of common sense population control with his promotion of serial killer God, definitely earned this. Defending serial killing with an outraged tone and tacky style is exactly what we need right now. Just check out reddit or twitter if you don't believe me!
SPORTS
Mafia Concede Twice in a Row, Get Completely Left out of a Joke Game, and Win Twice in a Row.
By Trum Porter
ScumAnonymous had to be carried from the room on a stretcher after passing out when the Civil War Generals mafia ended, so I'm stuck being the sports writer this month. Blech. Anyway, the not-so-terrifying mafia conceded twice in a row, first in the Naruto Mafia and second in the Civil War Generals Mafia. The mafia just didn't stand a chance when Trump called the National Guard on 'em. Totally owned those libs and their mostly peaceful protests! In the Satire Mafia, they were too scared to even show up. Snowflakes. Then, somehow, probably due to Dimocrat mayors defunding the police, they won two games in a row with the BAMF and Arrowverse mafias. Funny, isn't it, how both of those games were modded by lefties? Yeah, just a coincidence that the mafia win when libs are in charge and concede or don't even show up when conservatives and libertarians are in charge - NOT. Take that, ya commies!
I ain't writing Mr. Porter's signature down here again. That's work, and you already saw it earlier. Scroll up if you want to see it, you lazy louts!
Debate Tournament Reaches the Third Round
By Grandpa Curmudgeon
DART's grand old debate tournament is in the third round. Only MisterChris, Supadudz, and Nikunj_Sanghai are left. Woooh. Yeah, tell me Bearman: did you hand out participation trophies to everyone who didn't make it? Bet you did, or those millennials and Gen Z'ers will cry. Back in my day, we never cried. Nope, men were real men then. Didn't need no safe-spaces. And when we had a beef, we duked it out like gentlemen without any of this online debate tomfoolery. Yessir, that's how it was. Never heard such nonsense like "Resolved: A public health emergency justifies limiting civil liberties." Take away my rights, will ya? No sirree, don't tread on me! Now get off my lawn, or I'll learn you a lesson you ain't gonna like!
Grandpa Curmudgeon is the proud grandfather of seven young rascals. He spends his days writing, thinking, and throwing his dentures at people who annoy - OW!
MEMBERS
RationalMadman has returned.
MarkWebberFan, Sum1hugme, vpnconnections, Safalcon7, and Theweakeredge have arrived. Hmm, one of those sounds like it doesn't belong in that list. Not sure why...
Drafterman has also returned, and nearly decided to leave again. I will never tell a lie, I did not get involved with the drama in the mafia end-hey, quit laughing!
CLASSIFIED
Join RM in the Caribbean for some mafia! Oh, and watch out for the pirates.
Theweakeredge is looking for debate topics. What a great opportunity to spam him with thousands of ideas - I mean, to help generate productive discussions about relevant subjects.
If you want to write a story for the Bard or suggest an idea, PM the editor.
Created:
Updated:
Category:
DebateArt.com
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of any political movements mentioned in it. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. None of the below content necessarily reflects my own opinions and beliefs.
HISTORY EXPLAINED
Episode 2, 9/13/2020: The Mongol Invasion
A production of the DART Bard
Featuring Carl Engels
The Mongol Empire began to take form when Temujin united the proletariat Mongol tribes. After gathering them around him under the flag of united labor, they invaded the part of China called Western Xia, and Temujin proclaimed himself to be Genghis Khan, the ruler of all Mongols. Faced with the united strength of Mongol workers before their capital, the fat and decadent Chinese bourgeoisie submitted. But when Genghis Khan began his liberation of workers in other parts of China, the capitalists of Western Xia betrayed him. Enraged, Genghis Khan began to destroy their cities. Some may complain that these tactics were needlessly ruthless, but Genghis Khan understood the dialectics of history and did his best to bring true communism. The resourceful Mongolian proletariat learned bit by bit how to defeat the fortifications of the capitalists, and the empires of China fell one by one. The dear leader Genghis Khan died in 1227, but his fellow workers carried on the liberation. China, Korea, India, Russia, Kazakhstan, and the Middle East saw the fall of the bourgeoisie and the rise of the proletariat. It seemed, for a moment, that capitalism would fall and communism would be ushered in. But corruption entered the heart of Mongolia. Genghis's grandson Kublai Khan fell in love with decadence. His grandfather's vision of a free world was dashed as Kublai fell to the siren song of capitalism. The Mongols ceased to be the proletariat and became the bourgeoisie they had sought to destroy. The dream of the end of capitalism was lost. When Kublai died, the Mongol Empire split into pieces. Thus did the bourgeoisie triumph, and the vicious dialectic continues to this day.
Carl Engels is a writer from California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll Get It Right This Time.
Read this month's edition of the Bard: https://www.debateart.com/forum/topics/4723-dart-bard-2nd-edition-8-30-2020
Created:
Updated:
Category:
Miscellaneous
Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.
DART BARD
Edited by SirAnonymous
2nd edition
“If you don’t want your opinions to be mocked, don’t have opinions!”
NEWS
DART User BearMan Organizes Debate Tournament. Russian Influence Suspected.
By Carl Engels
A debate tournament was started recently to allow DART users to showcase their skills in a competitive way. Ten DART users entered the tournament as debaters and two entered as judges. According to tournament organizer BearMan,“Every single round, one person is eliminated and ties are not allowed.” However, suspicions have grown about the tournament, especially around its organizer. The bear is the symbol of Russia, which indicates that BearMan could be a Russian agent. This theory is strengthened by the very nature of the event. No sane, decent person would ever consent to civilly discussing a disagreement. Furthermore, debaters were randomly assigned a side on the issues, forcing some of them to argue against their beliefs. How can any properly adjusted person be expected to argue against the position that they unthinkingly believe because their favorite politician said so? This is clearly a Russian plot! Today, they’re trying to trick us into thinking that people who disagree with us aren’t literal fascists, which they obviously are. Tomorrow, they’ll have us thinking that people on the other side of the political spectrum might actually be right about something! Oh, the humanity!
Carl Engels is a writer from California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll Get It Right This Time.
Report: Oromagi Close to Reaching 88 MPH in his DeLorean
By Trum Porter
According to a recent report, DART’s King of the Hill oromagi is getting close to reaching 88 mph in his DeLorean. The number one debater, who will soon win his 87th debate, was able to complete his flux capacitor after his 86th win. Now that he has completed the last piece of his time machine, the only remaining problem is to find a source that can supply 1.21 gigawatts of power. If oromagi can get that much power, it will be an impressive achievement: that much power hasn’t been harnessed by any DART user since Bsh1 Franklin stood outside during Hurricane Utopia Crumbles while holding a kite with a wire running down the string. But for the DART King, this will doubtless be a minor obstacle. Oromagi has yet to announce what he will do when he gets his DeLorean to 88 mph with 1.21 gigawatts of power; however, many speculate that he will use it to go back to the future to read all of his opponent’s upcoming arguments and give a book full of future sports scores to his younger self.
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
DART Users Callously Celebrate Hall of Fame Elections as though the Environment Isn’t Being Destroyed all around Them.
By Environmental Wacko
Earlier this week, DART moderators kicked off the second annual Hall of Fame nomination and election process, which celebrates the best users, threads, and debates of the year. DART users are gladly participating in this event, despite the fact that the environment is being destroyed all around them. While species are going extinct and ocean levels are rising, DART users are handing out compliments to nominees like candy. They even have the audacity to nominate high-quality debates filled with rational and civil discussion. This is appalling. There can be no debate. There are only two types of people: those that advocate for the most expensive, farthest left environmental agenda possible, and those flat-earthers who stick their fingers in their ears and scream anti-science slogans while burning textbooks. Heedless of this, users on DART continue to have fun with their science-denying Hall of Fame. You are the Nero who fiddles while Rome burns. How dare you have fun and celebrate while the environment is being destroyed RIGHT NOW. I can’t even with you people. How DARE you.
Environmental Wacko is a climate activist, blogger, and professional basket-weaver.
Opinion: RationalMadman’s Ban is a Sign of the End Times
By Conspi Theo
RationalMadman, DART’s most active user, has been temporarily banned. This is a clear sign of the end times. Just look at his profile picture! Do you see what it is? A symbol! You know what another name for symbol is? A sign. WOW! Also, take a look at this: He was banned on 8/12/2020 until 9/23/2020. Both of those numbers have 3 2s. Three is the number of the Trinity, and 2 is the number of times Jesus will have come to earth at the end times. Amazing! But now look at the numbers that are left when you remove the 2s. In the first date, 8 and 1 are left, and 8-1=7, which is the Hebrew number of perfection! In the second date, 9 and 3 are left, and 9+3=12, which is the number of the tribes of Israel! Powerful stuff. And just look at the name RationalMadman. Paul said he was a fool for Christ. Sounds like a Rational Madman tome! It’s clear: the end times are coming. Can I get an amen or what?
Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn’t researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.
SPORTS
Town Wins Two Games Straight
By ScumAnonymous
Well, town on DART has won the last two games of mafia, and I just can’t even. First town won in Stormlight Archives,and then in the States Mafia. I gotta say, my state is pretty stormy right now, and there ain’t a lot of light. Town MVP in the States Mafia was oromagi, and the scum least dreadful player was Discipulus_SpellingNamesIsHardus. It dragged on for 6 day phases, and finished in a long, lonely night. Mafia also lost in the Stormlight Archives, and there wasn’t even a town MVP because the mafia was so – sob – terrible. And now the most recent mafia game is called Naruto Mafia. That’s right, they compared to fearsome mafia to an anime show. An anime show.I just – I – I don’t think I can handle this.
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.
MEMBERS
The great and mighty wizard oromagi performed some incantation by repeating Ramshutu’s name three times to bring him back on the site for a brief period. The Wizard’s Council is currently investigating him on suspicions of necromancy.
RationalMadman has been banned for rational madness. In other news, water, wet.
Ethang5 has been banned for irrational madness. Water is still wet.
TNBinc, vector, and lady3keys have joined DART. To our newcomers: I’m really, really sorry.
CLASSIFIED
Lunatic Louis Stevenson is looking for a publisher for his new book The Strange Case of Dr. Lunatic and Mr. Pattern.
Conspi Theo is still looking for someone to “Amen!” his end times predictions.
If you want to submit story suggestions or even complete stories to the DART, feel free to PM the editor!
Created:
Updated:
Category:
DebateArt.com
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of any political movements mentioned in it. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. None of the below content necessarily reflects my own opinions and beliefs.
HISTORY EXPLAINED
Episode 1, 1/20/2020: The Fall of Rome
A production of the DART Bard
Featuring Trum Porter
Editor's Note: In our modern days, ignorance of basic history has become rampant. In this new project of the Bard, we are trying to educate the public about history in a fun but informative way. We are excited to announce the first episode in our series History Explained.
The Fall of Rome
In the early years of the fourth century, the great Roman Empire was secure under the reign of its Emperor, Constantine. His acceptance of Judeo-Christian values was a major reason he was able to reunite the Empire and protect it from invaders. After he died, however, the emperors after him relied on extortion and corruption. They paid for this deep state corruption with inflation. I probably don't have to tell you that they were Democrats. At the same time, the Roman leaders foolishly allowed illegal German immigrants to settle within their lands. This invasion of illegals was one of the major reasons the Empire collapsed. Beyond any doubt, they should have built a big, beautiful wall to keep Rome great; however, the liberals were in charge. Finally, Emperor Julian (R) began an anti-deep-state campaign in 360. He even fought a war against the Sassanids, knowing that wars are, of course, great and easy to win. Sure, he encouraged non-Christian religions, but hey, he was an emperor, not a pastor. King David wasn't perfect either. Most importantly, he sent the Roman army to deal with the illegal immigrants from Germany. Sadly, the deep state prevented him from making them pay for a wall. Less than two years later, the great Roman Empire split into two pieces once again. The official story was that it was split between the brothers Valens and Valentinian, but we know from Breitbart that the real reason was that a civil war started when the deep state tried to ban assault swords. After that, Rome began to fall harder and faster. German barbarians fleeing the Huns invaded Rome just like illegal immigrants invade America today. After that, the Huns themselves invaded. The only bright spot was when the leader of the Christian church in Rome, Leo I, was able to negotiate with one of the Vandal leaders to avoid any further death during one of the many sacks of Rome (remember when I said that Judeo-Christian values helped Constantine keep Rome together? Here they are, WINNING again). Finally, in 476, the Empire was unable to defend itself and fractured into multiple states.
The lesson to be learned here is obvious. The Romans continually failed to build a wall and allowed deep state libs to run the country into the ground. Had they chosen to Make Rome Great Again, they might have avoided their eventual collapse to the invading illegal immigrants. This is why it's so important to keep Dimocrats out of office and keep America great, so we avoid the fate of Rome.
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
Click here for this month's edition of the Bard:
I've noticed that my normal satire makes fun of the left more than the right, so I decided to switch it up with this. What parts do you think worked, and what parts didn't? I'd be glad to know how I can improve in the future.
Created:
Updated:
Category:
Miscellaneous
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of the environmental movement. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. I do not believe any of this, nor does any of this reflect my viewpoints in any way.
Record: 28-34
Last time: 1-3
Firstly, I must apologize for my failure to predict the conference championships. What can I say to excuse my negligence? How shall I excuse my reckless disregard for the environment? I cannot. I can only seek to do better. That must be the motto of all of us. Secondly, since this is the Super Bowl, the football championship to end all football championships, the greatest sports event of the year, I must be especially careful to get this one right. This is my last chance to make up for my failures. If I can get this one right, then I will know that there is hope left.
Chiefs vs. 49ers
This truly is a despicable choice. The epitome of cultural appropriation, racism, white supremacy, political incorrectness, colonialism, and who-knows-what-all against greedy capitalist white men who colonized the West, massacred Native Americans, committed crimes, swindled, and used guns(!!!). It is a plain reflection of our failures to protect the earth that has let us fall this low. If this is the best our culture can offer, then it is no wonder Trump is president. However, for the sake of Mother Earth, we must get this right. Both the 49ers and the people who came up with the chiefs mascot used guns. Both were white. Both were racist. One committed genocide, and the other celebrates it in the KKK meetings - excuse me, RepubliKLAN meetings. Both were capitalists. The 49ers do have one distinct advantage: the higher-ups who picked the Chiefs mascot were 1%ers. Most of the miners were not. This is a huge advantage. On the other hand, those 1%ers were not involved in the rape of the natural world known as mining. This is also a huge advantage. Back to the first hand, more 49ers had guns that the 1%ers. Sure, those guys who culturally appropriated chiefs have security guards with guns, but we always ignore that fact because they do all the proper virtue signalling whenever there's a mass shooting. However, the 49ers did not control politics with their wealth, because most of them didn't have any. The "Chiefs" probably did (because that's what rich guys do, bruh!). But in the end, the final point is clear: many of the Chiefs players kneeled during the National Anthem to protest racism. While it is incredibly obvious that these millionaire athletes are the most privileged people on the planet who have as much room to talk about oppression as Harvey Weinstein does to talk about women's rights, we always overlook such things so long as the celebrities agree with progressive policies. At the very least, these guys protested racism by causing a great stench in the NFL and making it lose large numbers of viewers, thereby sabotaging there own business and influencing people against their protests. The 49ers, however, did not pander to us with such blatantly obvious shallow virtue signalling. The Chiefs will go home with the win. The 49ers will go home to Europe after being expelled by indigenous people.
Chiefs: 28. 49ers: 27.
Created:
Updated:
Category:
Sports
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of the environmental movement. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. I do not believe any of this, nor does any of this reflect my viewpoints in any way.
Record: 27-31
There is still a chance to save the environment if all our predictions are right from hereon out. We can't give up now!
Vikings vs. 49ers
Horrors! Warmongering white men (we're against warmongering since a Republican is in office) against capitalist white men! I ca- I- I can- I CAN'T EVEN! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least the Vikings don't abuse the environment like the 49ers did by mining.
Vikings: 13. 49ers: 6.
Titans vs. Ravens
I can't believe I have to say this. Of course the animal wins against mythical gods. What do you think we are? Brainwashed, hyper-religious Pharisees? Of course not! This game clearly goes to the great black birds, who must be protected and cannot be criticized. For Gaia!
Titans: 0. Raves: 56.
Texans vs Chiefs
Slave owners against a symbol that they culturally appropriated. White people are just so racist when they culturally appropriate Native Americans. Even slavery isn't as bad as that.
Texans: 10. Chiefs: 20.
Seahawks vs. Packers
Beautiful birds against meat packers. Do I need to remind you what meat is? No, I don't. You all know. There is no contest here. The environment wins every. Single. Time. Easy win.
Seahawks: 41. Packers: 14.
Created:
Updated:
Category:
Sports