Took a stab at writing a haiku

Author: skittlez09 ,

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  • skittlez09
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    First serious haiku ive ever written yall! 

    Im open to any suggestions to help improve! 

    Hope you guys enjoy, here goes nothin 

    Citadel Of Ash 

    Ash burns all your cash

    you so wish to make a dash 

    yet only leaves a gash 
  • Discipulus_Didicit
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    I don't understand what message/imagery this is meant to convey.
  • SupaDudz
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    --> @skittlez09
    6/10. You need to be more descriptive with words. It seems like it's a story and not flowing
  • SupaDudz
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    --> @Discipulus_Didicit
    Snow
    Cold nights dawn upon
    Snow falls down masking the roads
    Life goes white today
  • oromagi
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    after the all night rain
    beneath the sun's corona
    masked men digging graves
  • skittlez09
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    --> @SupaDudz
    thanks for the feedback bro i appreciate it 
  • skittlez09
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    --> @Discipulus_Didicit
    yeah your right it should be more clear
  • blamonkey
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    What is a haiku?
    Is it a form of poem?
    I really don't know
  • Discipulus_Didicit
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    --> @SupaDudz
    Okay your imagery is pretty clear. It says "I am from Chicago".
  • Discipulus_Didicit
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    --> @blamonkey @oromagi @skittlez09 @SupaDudz
    Life is eternity (3 parts)

    Life is eternity
    How can eternity be
    So brief and bittersweet

    Life is eternity
    One spends it with oneself, alone
    Doomed to desire more

    Life is eternity
    My eternal loneliness
    Is finite after all
  • SupaDudz
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    --> @Discipulus_Didicit
    lol
  • blamonkey
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    --> @Discipulus_Didicit
    Now that's... pretty epic.
  • SupaDudz
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    --> @blamonkey
    Thanks lol
  • Discipulus_Didicit
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    --> @SupaDudz
    I think he was talking to me... The guy he tagged.
  • zedvictor4
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    --> @skittlez09
    Citadel of ash

     A haiku curiously.

    He took a stab at.
  • skittlez09
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    --> @Discipulus_Didicit
    thats a good one bro 
  • Discipulus_Didicit
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    --> @skittlez09
    Thanks.
  • oromagi
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    supadudz smoking
    KOOL menthols on the back porch
    citadel of ash
  • oromagi
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    --> @SupaDudz
    Life goes white today
    racist
  • SupaDudz
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    --> @oromagi
    The poem is called snow, not the Confederacy
  • oromagi
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    --> @SupaDudz
    ah, so....it's a metaphor for cocaine then
  • SupaDudz
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    --> @oromagi
    You put cocaine on the road? It also falls from the sky? Must have missed that lesson in Biology
  • Discipulus_Didicit
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    --> @SupaDudz
    You put cocaine on the road? It also falls from the sky?
    He must not be from Chicago. He must be from Phoenix.

  • oromagi
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    You put cocaine on the road? It also falls from the sky?
    that is how we do in Denver- could be coke, could be we're just downwind from the citadel of ash.

    What do you think CAUTION BUMP AHEAD means?
  • skittlez09
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    --> @oromagi
    lol its kinda funny cuz my poem was about withdrawal