want feedback on a poem

Author: seldiora ,

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  • seldiora
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    seldiora avatar
    I wrote a poem a long time ago. Any feedback is appreciated.

    A Medieval Tale

    Prithee come hither,
    find shelter in my olde pub,
    sit for a story.

    Legends far and wide
    none tell the whole truth like mine
    Hearken! My good friends.

    A long time ago
    in a tall tower of night
    an evil wizard

    he trapped a hero
    with no help; all hope of light
    reduced to zero.

    With a smile quite wry
    he did sent his short message
    "Send gold--else...he dies"

    Along with a taunt:
    hero’s face looking quite gaunt
    In an illusion.

    The town saw it all
    everyone shuddered in fear
    except one young girl.

    Fire bright in her eyes,
    knowing she won't compromise,
    She spoke with resound.

    "When his bastard men
    came to town, stole me away
    wanting my nails, hair,

    make a strange potion
    for a haggard old lady
    --a deal quite shady:

    'gold for agelessness,
    cut her tooth--' near success,
    he had saved me then.

    If you will not help,
    I will repay the favor
    with no one braver."

    Her own mother, touched,
    gave her a sleek steel hairpin
    from great great grandma.

    Along with a sword
    Yet little contact in fight,
    she rode her horse on

    'cross the closest cavern
    clashing 'gainst the colossus
    "Carnage Crackerjack".

    You must understand,
    Ten feet tall, dwarfing all man
    eyes filled with power

    no other person
    could have made her feel worsened
    nay, this was quite hard

    But the road was short
    This quest she could not abort
    So she held her fort

    Cool gusts pushed them back!
    Gritting her teeth in the cold,
    Yet rushing quite bold,

    slashes could not hurt
    With best strength she could exert
    one last shout! She fell

    Through punch after blow,
    bold black blood spilled on the ground
    As she laid on snow.

    --Then, a winter storm!
    Even the monster did stop,
    For the wind was strong.

    She limps to the cave,
    Our loyal horse followed through,
    Glad she was not dead.

    "ah~~" When she looked out,
    the peaceful sun greeted her,
    Survived without doubt.

    To another town,
    She sought rest, food and water,
    Then she was ready.

    Many days later
    she finally reached there,
    standing in front of

    The Tower of Doom.
    "Where is the money, young gal?"
    "Let him go right now."

    With no gold in sight,
    a wicked smile did get blight,
    and prepared to fight.

    The wizard exclaims--
    "You cannot defeat me!" as
    our hero worries.

    With a wave of hands--
    along a ROAR! the room was
    filled with massive flames.

    He cackles and laughs
    as our heroine steps forth
    swinging her sharp sword--

    The wizard smirked, turned,
    Ran ahead, locked doors, said:
    “You shall live no more!”

    Desperate bashing,
    Weakening with smoke rising
    Her breath shortening

    Head spinning round then--
    She suddenly remembers,
    And sweeps her hair down

    The heirloom in hand,
    Fingers fumbling to unlock
    --and click! It went through.

    Coughing and stumbling,
    She surprised her vile captor,
    But only for now.

    the wizard summons
    forth spiders, goblins, and trolls
    against brave attacks.

    Through parry and block,
    the battle was in deadlock
    until she spotted--

    The Hero's own sword.
    With a grab and a quick throw,
    the wizard went down,

    with crazy mumbles.
    "HA HA, they will avenge me...
    You had better flee..."

    Ignoring the threat,
    the girl untied the hero,
    who kissed her as thanks

    even as she blushed.
    The town admitted its fault
    and praised the brave gal.

    The hero gave her
    his hand in marriage and they
    then lived happily.

    --But, not "forever";
    the wizard's threat was not null.
    Lurking in the dark,

    waiting for revenge,
    Wearing a dark robe, she sought
    For eternal youth

    --Yes, it is the truth,
    that was the wizard's lover
    she who wanted that tooth.

  • Theweakeredge
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    --> @seldiora
    Huh... I'll give you one thing, it does something to swap roles there, and I can definitely get behind that. I also appreciated some of the imagery and apt detailing. Maybe some more symbolization would be nice? Though the hairpin part was a pretty good example of that. The overall flow of the poem could have been better, but overall I enjoyed it.
  • Lemming
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    --> @seldiora
    I like that it tells a story, and that it's neat, neat in 'form I mean, easy to read. Though neat as in cool too, I suppose.
    Though I know such exists from older times, and I'm sure exists in modern times, the idea's been interesting to me before, of an epic poem.
    A 'really long one I mean, to the extent of a hundred+ pager book.
  • SirAnonymous
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    --> @seldiora
    I like the story, and I agree with theweakeredge that switching the traditional roles helped. It kept it from being too cliche. However, the rhyme scheme is simply nonexistent. Sometimes it rhymes, sometimes it doesn't. When is does rhyme, there's no pattern to which lines rhyme. So that could use some work. Still, I enjoyed it.
  • fauxlaw
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    --> @seldiora
    difficult read as poetry as I am expecting meter,  but its lacking, making it poetry-structured prose, but there is a distinction.
    also, there's occasional hint of rhyme, but it's inconsistent, like the middle lines of stanzas three and four, and the first and third lines of stanza four.
    It is the consistency of meter that distinguishes poetry, even if it does not rhyme. You have other examples of rhyming, but it seems accidental rather than intended. The greater problem is there are occasional examples of meter, but that also appears accidental, or at least not intended.
    Poetry is a more difficult effort in order to achieve the meter that prose can have, but is not necessary.

52 days later

  • Sum1hugme
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    --> @seldiora
    Seems to be written in the same syllable count and general formatting as a haiku. The climax of the battle was a little underwhelming. The narrative shift was smooth, but the rhyme scheme wasn't consistent so it didn't flow very mellifluously. However, the twist at the end wasn't bad.


    Thank you for sharing your poetry