Why do I get so angry?

Author: Theweakeredge ,

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  • Theweakeredge
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    Theweakeredge
    A question has been popping into my head recently, why do I get so angry? Sometimes I thought that anger was entirely deserved on the part of whoever pissed me off, other times I don't. Now some, like RMM, have only pissed me off in this regard - but I realize that even if RMM has no ground to stand on here, and perhaps I do have legitimate reasons for being mad, that doesn't mean that I should be mad. I've taken a step back, and decided to ask it - why do I get so angry whenever someone speaks to me with condescension? 

    Well - foremost - because I'm insecure. There's a part of me that tells me that I'm wrong about everything that I talk about, no matter how well-researched, and unlike my skepticism, it isn't satisfied whenever I see if I can debunk my positions and fail - it appeals to nothing about my logic or rationality, only my raw anxiety. Sometimes a voice doubting your conclusions, actually always, is necessary, but those voices which attack your character as a reason for your arguments being wrong is no help at all. It fundamentally hinders my ability to reason, as I have to take the time to address inherently irrational rebuttals. People like RMM appeal to that part of me, or even Coal talking to me like a 12-year-old. So, I get angry, I lash out with my words - in my youth I probably would have punched something or had a breakdown. I've always been overly emotional, but I thought I had mitigated that part of me, and while perhaps I have - not to the total extent.

    So, even when people like Fauxlaw and I fundamentally disagree, he still shows me respect, he acknowledges that I have something worthwhile, which allows me to discuss sensitive issues without much anger being involved. So take this as an apology to people who've I've upset with this, and I will attempt to curb this kind of stuff, but that doesn't mean that I will accept condescension without batting an eye, it means I'll acknowledge it and move on. Thanks to anyone who's reading, you actually decided to read my little rant. 
  • FLRW
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    --> @Theweakeredge
    You probably have a high IQ.  As a child, ALBERT EINSTEIN was  the king of  throwing TEMPER TANTRUMS. i suggest you learn to play the violin.
  • Theweakeredge
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    --> @FLRW
    I much prefer the piano, not that I play, lol. Though I wouldn't say that such a correlation is necessarily true. Temper and high deductive thinking that is, though as I said, there is indeed a correlation. 
  • TheUnderdog
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    --> @Theweakeredge
    If you want to be less insecure and less angry, I recommend listening to what I would call "Relaxing Rock".  It helps me on runs, it helps me relax.  Do you want me to send you 20 songs or so that I would put under this category and if you listen to them consistently enough, it should calm you down.  Thoughts?
  • Lemming
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    --> @Theweakeredge
    I know 'I get angry from time to time when people are disrespectful, mocking, or other various reasons.
    For me it's the wounded pride / Ego.

    Though, I 'think I tend 'not to respond in anger, or feel anger very long.
    'Occasionally I do.

    Against my family, being angry 'never helped me in a conflict.

    My Dad thought it was fine for him to mock his kids, or his kids to mock each other in ways 'he thought was harmless.
    Such as sticking one's thumb at the tip of their nose, and waggling the rest of the hands fingers vertically, while pointing one's head in the direction of a sibling.
    My Dad always used to like to say,
    "You're giving them power over you, to make you mad."

    Course he wouldn't point out that it was wrong of people to be rude to each other when 'he was instigating it.
    Nor would he respond very kindly when anyone disrespected him by mocking or sarcasm. Ah, the hypocrite.
    But he would correct our behavior when 'we instigated trouble amongst ourselves, or got angry with one another.
    Would point out how family was there for life, get us to make up with one another.

    I don't think he was 'wrong, the importance we give other people's actions, way that we perceive them 'does effect our response.
    I still get angry now and then at people, but I try to let it go, try not to hold onto it, or stoke anger between me and someone else.
    Fail sometimes,
    And course it's not always 'healthy to repress anger, or never get mad at people.

    Just isn't healthy or useful to get mad too often.
    Though maybe that's situational dependent.

    Some people get used to being angry at every little thing, becoming toxic.
    Some people become too passive for their own good and become a punching bag, or avoid 'any conflict/disagreement.
  • coal
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    --> @Theweakeredge
    We can talk about it on Discord if you want. 
  • Lemming
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  • fauxlaw
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    --> @Theweakeredge
    First, thank you for your kind words, I do respect you, though we often have disagreement. You, likewise, treat me with respect, so it rewards itself. There are others who do cause a rise in anger in me, but I've learned that such a response is not so much doubt in myself, and I do have them, believe me, but because I lose control of my emotions; effectively surrendering to the one at whom I become angry.  I think that is the more exact cause of anger. It's just frustrating that the source of that anger is not the other person, but the one I face in the mirror. Sometimes, thinking that way helps.

    This is why I say that the 1A freedom of speech has couched in it, unsaid, that we have the freedom to be offended. It isn't that we should allow ourselves to be offended, but rather, that we should not, in anger, seek to censure as the proper response. The freedom of speech includes the right to say nothing at all, rather than say something in anger.
  • RationalMadman
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    I don't recall talking condescending to you and I also don't recall a time when you weren't the initiator and aggressor with me.

    That being said, this thread's topic is something I can explain. You admit in your OP that insecurity and overly passionate emotions are at play. I notice you talk of 'deserve anger'. If your worst enemy 'deserves anger' and your best friend doesn't, there's something wrong about using the word deserves since anger hurts you, you're the one suffering and made this thread regarding that.

    Something I do is save my anger and emotions for those who matter. So if my enemy actually is a thorn in my side I can't remove and if I can't escape the situation, only in this scenario is anger inevitable and worth embracing to a degree. 

    You told us before that you're on medication for anxiety. Medication can have side effefts due to what it does to the brain and body.

    That being said, you mentioned always having anger issues even when very young.


    When rage sets in, you don't notice it. That wasn't a question, it was a statement. What you are able to notice is when you're already angry. At any time you notice this, I want you to pay attention to your breathing. I want you to make it slow, with a literal gap in time between breathing in and breathing out. Don't do it too loud, don't breathe oht through your mouth like a yoga instructor would tell you to do. This habit needs to be subtle amd something you can do when facing your kost triggering people. While paying attention to this constantly throughout the remaining interaction, I want you to analyse your surroundings, what colour is the hair of the person you're dealing with? What's their nose like? What's their anjoying voice actually sounding like? Take it in, keep breathing deeply, pay minimal attention to their words, only as much as is required to pretend you care while responding.

    Later, when calmed down, digest the situation and consider their viewpoint for real, not pretend. If you feel you have more to say and apologise for, do it then. During the interaction you're getting flared up, think of the other person like a dog yelping at you, barking but not biting.

    If things get physical, that's different but not mentally. Kung Fu is a great martial art to start learning the basics of, it encourages to be calm the entire fight. You just need some basics in general. If they really, really beat you, let some rage fill you but definitely let anxiety sliggtly set in and still focus on breathing. Do anything you can to make them surrender that doesn't break the law. If they keep going for the kill and you will potentially die or get cut, bruised etc, idk what to tell you. Eventually in an extreme scenario, rage and fear are good to feel and indulge in. However, most of the time they're byproducts of evolution that aren't worth feeling to the full extent.

23 days later

  • SupaDudz
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    Anger is a dangerous and lethal emotion that can destroy your relationships with other people. Anger is an outburst of emotions due to annoyance, hostility due to past actions, etc. If anger is revealed, it causes people to judge you based on A) why you got angry and B) how angry you got as a whole. Anger is an emotion that needs to be controlled and not let out. There are many ways you can release anger into positive forms, such as meditation. I usually get angry when I am studying and don't understand something or when I get in an argument with someone. I take that angry energy and put it into meditation and calmness. I value lots of the Buddhist traditions of meditation and releasing emotions from materialistic things and focus on myself. I'm not a Buddhist, but I do believe Buddhist values have lowered my anger and made me calmer.

    I'm not gonna sit here and lecture about controlling anger when I have failed to do so countless times. During COVID, my Asian friend was being harassed by a group of kids who would berate him continuously. I gave them a fair warning to knock it off. When they did it again, I then proceeded to charge at the kids with my friends. I'm a bigger framed person, 6 foot 3 and 250lbs, so getting a punch from someone who countlessly trains for sports and has martial art experience (I was an orange belt before I dropped). Needless to say after the incident I felt awful despite me not technically being wrong (the kid was constantly screaming racial slurs)

    Anger leads to hate and when you realize you brew hate, you are flooded with guilt. I believe controlling anger is key to living a successful life because if you are able to be a calm and reasonable person 99% of the time, you will come off as more likeable than people who are always angry and picking fights. I had to drop a friend because he was so adamant about fighting the entire friend group that became a malignant toxin. 

    My advice is to ignore people. If you truly feel angry, regulate your breathing and keep at a steady pace. When you get home, partake in meditation and think about achieving goals for yourself and focusing on your mental wellness. I believe Buddhism is great for improving mental issues to clear ones mind