Instigator / Con

I Am A Devil-Worshipper


The debate is finished. The distribution of the voting points and the winner are presented below.

Winner & statistics

After 9 votes and with 8 points ahead, the winner is...

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Two weeks
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Six months
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Contender / Pro

I thank my opponent in advance for this opportunity to clear my name and erase all suspicion that I am in fact a worshipper of demons, or any unclean spirits. What happened to Billy had absolutely nothing to do me. Between the hours of 2 and 4 AM on Monday, February 22nd, I was sound asleep in bed, believe it or not. There was no hastily inscribed pentagram on the floor of my outhouse surrounded by 5 cheap candles between 2 and 4 AM, nor at any other time before or afterwards.* The blood-stained parchment found in my left pants-pocket (allegedly) was in fact neither a parchment nor blood-stained, therefore it is not real and cannot be presented as evidence against me.

Also, the voice on the cassette tape chanting the Angelus backwards, in Latin, in a very muffled yet deep voice, cannot possibly be mine since it employs the classical pronunciation and I would never desecrate anyone's most sacredly held beliefs by trying to channel Abaddon in an insultingly vernacular dialect.

* Since I do not convene with the demonic, I am unable to predict the future, hence the asterisk signifying a certain reasonable allowance of uncertainty.

Round 1
Hell, Satan.

These are terrible things that all men in good standing with the Lord rightfully disdain.  As a man of God, I hereby disavow all charges of fraternizing with the underworld.  Let us examine the case at hand and see why it is simply ridiculous to think I would willingly associate with such awe-inspiring, powerfully despicable things:

1. Alibi

I have an alibi; I was sleeping when the crime occured.  How could I ritualistically slaughter an innocent being in the name of Beelzebub while I am in la-la land?

2. Motive

I have no motive.  I am a vegetarian who only feeds on inanimate malum, not the unclean flesh which encapsulates the living spirit of one of God's handmade creations.  I am humble of heart and meek in spirit, with absolutely zero lust for power or desire for temporal riches or even other-wordly power granted to me by a being far more intelligent than myself who is capable of making me ruler of all the kingdoms of this world and subjugating all nations under my feet ad infinitum in exchange for very little (relatively speaking if we ignore any potential consequences in the afterlife). 

To be clear I would be a benevolent dictator, equivalent to the moderators of DebateArt, but of the entire universe.  One whole day of each week would be set aside for me to convene with the leaders of the world and settle their differences and thus assure global peace and prosperity for all, similar to the role of the Pope in the Middle Ages.

However, I refuse to entertain such fantasies and reject them as nothing more than temptations from the Evil One.

3.  Means

I don't even have a single beeswax lucerna imported from an island off the coast of Haiti in this 21st century, much less 5 of them positioned in a pentagram encirling a corpse at 3 AM anywhere near the locus delicti.

4.  Opportunity

Not sure how this is relevant.  Everyone is presented with various opportunities at various times to commit alleged actii reii, but as law-abiding citizens we do not act on them nor seize the day just because Apollyon appeared to us under the guise of an Angel of Light offering us an escape from the monotony of daily life for the low, low price of 1 soul, which doesn't even have to be our own.  Besides, my animus nocendi is simply not ripe for exploiting, or even recognizing, such an opportunity to perpetrate a diabolical crime against nature in the dark at the Devil's hour when I have an exceedingly high confidence, based on statistics collected from searching the FBI's website via Google 2 weeks in advance, that I will not be caught.  And although the great Jupiter was enthroned alongside Hydra, in full view of the alleged crime scene where it is said by some that a suspiciously specific series of heinous events took place, Lucifer was yet below the horizon and so it was highly inappropriate to perform such a deed.

I would also like to correct the misconception that their real name was William.  It was not William, Williams, Williamson, or any of the various misspellings which appeared in the newspapers.  His name was Billy.  Not Bill.  This sort of confusion greatly irks me, given that Billy is precisely the name that would have been signed in blood on the parchment alleged to have been found in someone's purse or wallet or pocket or wherevever, I don't know.  Ask those fabricating the allegations.  The ritual simply wouldn't have been efficacious if the name of the soul being sacrificed were not spelled correctly.
Round 2
My opponent and I have cordially agreed to forfeit this round in loving memory of Billy.
Round 3
For the record, I did not sacrifice my opponent to Beelzebub just to win this debate. 

Beelzebub does not take kindly to requests of such a trivial nature.
Round 4
This has nothing to do with this debate, but on a scale from short pork to long pork I rate capretto a medium pork.