A Parody of this AWFUL Site... Ugg the Caveman vs Caiaphas the Meek...

Author: Raltar ,

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  • Raltar
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    Those of you who have encountered me surely know I don't hold a high opinion of this site. In fact, it would be accurate to say that I outright despise this site, the way it is being run, and a hefty majority of the trolls who ply their trade here.

    The mods do nothing productive on a daily basis, but secretly keep Santa-Style "Naughty Lists" against certain users, who are slapped with temp-bans months later for some minor incident that finally made the list long enough to justify a temp ban, even though none of the earlier offenses were apparently worthy of doing anything about. Myself and numerous other users have lobbied the mods to have this practice stopped, but temp bans continue to get handed out on a near daily basis. Numerous users have asked for immediate action to be taken when a rule is broken, specifically suggesting that posts which break the rules should simply be deleted. Mods refuse to do this, and will even lie and claim "the community" is stopping them from complying with the very requests the actual community is making.

    Meanwhile, trolls are running amok everywhere. Every single forum thread eventually falls prey to trolling. No matter what the original topic happened to be or how serious it may have been, the thread will eventually decline into a pointless name-calling and insult competition. Old grudges carried over from DDO are almost always the cause of this, as people inevitably resort to bringing up someones past rating on DDO or accusations of years-old doxxing incidents. The debates themselves aren't immune to this either, as outright troll debates with absurd claims and blatant abuse of the rules are shockingly common. Moderators actually encourage this abuse of the system, always voting in favor of the trolls, who are often their personal buddies. I saw one moderator describe a debate as "the worst troll debate in the history of bad troll debates" and still voted to let the troll win!

    But, let's say hypothetically that you want to have a serious debate here and just try to ignore the corrupt moderators, trolls and general idiots. Good luck! Even if you start a serious debate, the three most common strategies you will encounter are...

    1. A massive filibuster of verbage, followed by the claim that you lost based on some minor technicality. (Mods are big fans of this strategy.)

    2. Your opponent will lie about what you said, insult you and encourage their buddies to come vote for them.


    If you made a good argument and legitimately won those debates, you will still likely get a narrow margin of the votes on your side... but it will feel like a hollow victory, because beating someone who either didn't fight back or could only fight back by fighting dirty isn't really much of a win to brag about.

  • Raltar
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    So, a rational person might ask, "Raltar, if you hate this site so much, why do you stay?"

    The answer is, I don't. I'm outta here. This is my official "retirement" post. My last debate just finished voting, I got some good feedback from the person I selected to judge the debate, and now I really have no remaining reason to continue to waste my valuable time on this crappy site. So I'm not going to. Easy as that!

    I plan to disable my account as completely as possible, turning off all notifications and changing my password, so that I won't be able to be summoned back here by anyone who may be tempted to complain about this parting shot at the site and the corrupt moderators.

    BUT, before I go... I have a little going away present for all of you... or a belated Christmas gift, if you prefer...

    It is a little parody I wrote, based on a lot of the problems I've observed with this site...

  • Raltar
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    The Tale of Ugg the Caveman vs. Caiaphas the Meek…

    Once upon a time, there was a terrible mix-up with a particularly ill-fated time traveler from the future. Due to a malfunction with his hoverboard’s router connection to his iPhone 27y, he accidentally crash-landed in our “modern” age, during a failed attempt to transport a live subject back to his time from a prehistoric era…

    Ugg the Caveman found himself abandoned in Ms. Thompson’s sixth grade biology class. Despite Ugg’s violent nature and complete lack of exposure to several thousand years of human history, philosophy and theology, the students took pity on Ugg and allowed him to sit in on their class discussions… kind of like an official class pet. Over the course of the school year, they gradually imparted onto Ugg a very basic grasp of the English language, though they never managed to fully reform his inherently violent tendencies. Unbeknownst to either the teacher or students, Ugg was also greatly impacted by their daily discussions of simplistic biology topics, along with the general left-wing bias of the public school system, which transformed his primitive mind into a sort of single-track biology-caveman citation machine.

    Effectively, if you can envision a mentally handicapped person who firmly believes that everything which was ever said in a sixth-grade public school biology class is universally true, and everything else is false unless it involves hunting mammoths or worshiping the sun, then you have a fairly good idea of how Ugg thinks.

    The school year came to an eventual end, of course, so Ugg was sent out into the wide world… he stumbled down the street as if in a drunken stupor, armed with nothing more than an outdated dictionary which he had “borrowed” from the school… and promptly fell face first through the doors of a debate competition about to begin. Some of the more liberal organizers of the competition, taking pity on Ugg as what they perceived to be a local homeless man, decided to include Ugg in the competition. Brushing off his crude threats of violence and demands to worship the sun, the organizers gave him a tie and pushed him into the lowest tier of debaters…

    Caiaphas the Meek was by far the worst debater at the competition, and one of the few deemed horrible enough to be pitted against Ugg. Caiaphas was well-educated and erudite as a general rule. He even had a good deal of formal debate training, and could be counted upon to execute an excellent presentation and provide a very strong opening argument. His great weakness is that he seems to hold only the most superficial knowledge of the topics he chooses to debate, and after a strong opening statement, the remainder of his argument falters quickly, as he merely repeats what he has already said while ignoring most rebuttals. Even worse though, Caiaphas earned his nickname “the Meek” by constantly forfeiting debates, often citing an obviously weak excuse and suddenly running off the stage.

    As a note for readers, be sure that when you read Caiaphas speaking, you mentally picture the most effeminate male voice possible, particularly when Caiaphas says “but Ugg…

    During the competition, Ugg and Caiaphas debated each other three times, and… well, you’ll see how that turns out.

    Their debates were always judged by the same panel of judges(also, one would assume, the worst tier of judges at the competition); Ratmir the Biased-One, Trifocal the Sock-Puppet, Utuhsmar the Serious-Vote, Droopy the Insane and Castrol the Token-Female-Character.

    As per a common South Park disclaimer, any similarities in this story to actual users on this website are PURELY COINCIDENTAL… of course…
  • Raltar
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    Ugg the Caveman vs.Caiaphas the Meek…

    Topic: The Sun isGod!

    Pro: Ugg

    Con: Caiaphas

    *Round 1!*

    Ugg the Caveman: *GRUNT* “Ugg find dickshunary… dickshunarysay… SOO-PUR-HOO-MAAN… mean better than hoo-mon… Sun BIG! Sun ROUND! Sun are SOO-PUR-HOO-MAAN… THERE-FOR, Sun is GOD!!! UGG SMASH PUNY OPPONENT!”

    Caiaphas the Meek:But Ugg… What about the thousands of years of human history and philosophy that you seem to be ignoring? Countless numbers of our best and brightest philosophers, theologians and apologists have widely accepted that God is much more complex than you seem to imply. Not the least of this is the widely held belief that any object worshiped as a God would need to be sentient, which is a trait the sun notably lacks.”

    Caiaphas the Meek: “Plus,the way you are using the definition of superhuman… we could effectively extend godhood to any object. An elephant is big also, so it could be a god. How about a whale? Whales are big, so they could also be a god. A basketball is round, more round than the sun actually, so is a basketball god? In fact, virtually any celestial object shares the traits you described. Why is the sun god, but not the moon, the earth, mars or other stars?”

    *Round 2!*

    Ugg the Caveman: “uuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgggggGGGGGGRRRRAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!UGG HAVE DICKSHUNARY! YOU ACCEPT DEFINITION! UGG SMASH PUNY OPPONENT!”

    Caiaphas the Meek: “Uh… well… I just recalled that my employer is requiring me to work overtime…holidays, you know?” *Forfeits and runs away!*
  • Raltar
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    *Time for the judges to vote…*

    Ratmin the Biased-One: “Ugg is a moron. The sun isn’t god just because he believes that. His opponent pointed out all the obvious weaknesses in his stupid argument, but his only rebuttal was that he has a dictionary… obvious win for Con!”

    Trifocal the Sock-Puppet:MAN, what a great argument Ugg made!!! Did you SEE that!? WOW! Ugg clearly wins and anyone who votes against him is clearly lying! (Especially that Ratmin guy!Fuck him!)”

    Utuhsmar the Serious-Vote: “Ugg said the sun is god because it is superhuman. He is blatantly abusing the dictionary definition of that word, since words should be used as they are commonly understood, not based on an unusual exemption. The sun may be big and round, but his opponent points out many examples of other big and round objects which aren’t god merely because they possess such traits. Ugg had no rebuttal other than to demand that his dictionary definition be accepted, so his argument fails. Victory for Con.”

    Droopy the Insane: “You shouldn’t order drinks without ice! I WORK at a fast food restaurant! I KNOW this stuff! Ugg wins!”

    Castrol the Token-Female-Character: “Tee-hee! That was really funny Ugg! I vote Ugg!”

    UGG THE CAVEMAN WINS!
  • Raltar
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    Ugg the Caveman vs.Caiaphas the Meek…

    Topic: Trees are better than humans!

    Pro: Ugg

    Con: Caiaphas

    *Round 1!*

    Ugg the Caveman: *GRUNT*“Ugg… find dickshunary definition… of HO-ME-O-STAY-SIS… Ugg say that tree do…this thing… but hoo-mon no do this thing. THERE-FOR, tree better than hoo-mon! UGG SMASH!!!”

    Caiaphas the Meek:But Ugg… You are overlooking obvious philosophical elements of this argument. A tree isn’t sentient. A tree can’t enjoy a symphony, write a book or cook a delicious meal. And of course, the most obvious rebuttal is that a human can simply cut a tree down and then turnit into books about how awful trees are. A tree can’t do any of those things, or even defend itself against a human cutting it down.”

    *Round 2!*

     Ugg the Caveman: “uuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgggggGGGGGGRRRRAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! UGG HAVE DICKSHUNARY! YOU ACCEPT DEFINITON! UGG SMASH PUNY OPPONENT!”

    Caiaphas the Meek: “Uh… well… I just recalled that today is the day I usually teach Hebrew lessons to the kids… gotta go!” *Forfeits and runs away!*
  • Raltar
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    *Time for the judges to vote…*

    Ratmin the Biased-One: “Is Ugg even taking this seriously? It’s like he is just trolling us! Why are we putting up with this crap? Argument to Con!”

    Trifocal the Sock-Puppet:HOLY MOTHER OF HYDROGEN! Did you people SEE that!? Did you!? It was the greatest debate of all time! Ugg just blew the competition away! And can you believe that Ratmin guy! What a dishonest bastard! How dare he vote against Ugg!?!?”

    Utuhsmar the Serious-Vote: “Pro said that trees are better than humans because they are able to maintain homeostasis. This is true to a technical extent, but Pro ignored all of the rebuttals offered against it and merely demanded his opponent obey his dictionary definition. Victory for Con.”

    Droopy the Insane: “This competition is a Russian conspiracy! The head organizer photoshopped my head onto a milk carton! You know the worst part? Caiaphas isn’t a Nazi… he is something worseNOT a Nazi! Ugg wins!”

    Castrol the Token-Female-Character: “LOL! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3!!! I vote Ugg!”

    UGG THE CAVEMAN WINS!
  • Raltar
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    Ugg the Caveman vs. Caiaphas the Meek…

    Topic: Abiogenesis

    Pro: Ugg

    Con: Caiaphas

    *Round 1!*

    Ugg the Caveman: *GRUNT*“Me…Ugg… dickshunary say… A-BE-O-GEN-ISIS… be creation of single cell… critter…without other critter… some chem-a-calls make it happun… BIOLOGY GOOD!”

    Caiaphas the Meek:But Ugg… you are completely ignoring the schools of mathematics, paleontology and philosophy which clearly disprove your entire argument. The very concept of abiogenesis is wildly improbable based on basic mathematics. The fossil record of Earth’s early history easily disproves the claims made by advocates of abiogenesis, particularly the Cambrian Explosion event which demonstrates that complex life forms formed very quickly without evolving from the simple single cell life forms you refer to. And then there are the philosophical arguments in favor of creationism, rather than the idea that humans just evolved out of some pool of goo.”

    Caiaphas the Meek: “And please Ugg… don’t just say that I have to accept your dictionary definition. I know what abiogenesis is and Iaccept the definition… it just happens to be massively impossible based on everything we know about the underpinnings of the universe.”

    *Round 2!*

    Ugg the Caveman: “Arrr…um… er… UGG SAY BIOLOGY GOOD! ALL OTHER SCIENCE BAD!!! BAAAAAAAADDD!!! IGNORE PUNY OPPONENT WORDS!”

    Caiaphas the Meek: *Caiaphas already disappeared while Ugg was struggling to think of a rebuttal…*
  • Raltar
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    *Time for the judges to vote…*

    Ratmin the Biased-One: “Comeon guys… this HAS to be the most embarrassing defeat for Ugg yet. Not only was his argument predictably ignorant, but he clearly couldn’t even think of any kind of meaningful rebuttal at all. He literally tried to distract us and convince us to ignore what his opponent said! Con wins.”

    Trifocal the Sock-Puppet: “The judges in this debate are just so obviously biased and dishonest! What did Ugg do to piss them off so badly?!? It is like there is some evil cabal out to sabotage Ugg at every turn! But Ugg is always right, that much we know for sure. Ugg wins again!”

    Utuhsmar the Serious-Vote: “Pro described abiogenesis… well enough for a caveman I suppose… But just describing a thing, no matter how well it is described, is not enough to prove it exists. Conversely, Con demolished Pro’s argument with counter-points from mathematics, paleontology and philosophy. Even the Cambrian Explosion point alone would have been enough to win this. Pro didn’t offer any meaningful response, effectively dropping all of Con’s points. Victory to Con.”

    Droopy the Insane: “An internet forum helped me self-diagnose myself with Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, Coulrophobia, Alien Hand Syndrome, Hylophobia, Omphalophobia, Boanthropy, Capgras Delusion, Nomophobia, Cotard Delusion, Ombrophobia, Diogenes Syndrome, Zemmiphobia, Kluver-Bucy Syndrome, Auroraphobia, Paris Syndrome, and a severe case of Ligma. That, of course, is why Ugg wins as he always does!”

    Castrol the Token-Female-Character: “Hmmm, what? Oh… is it over already? Sorry, I was looking at cute puppy videos on my phone… I vote Ugg! Love ya babe!”

    UGG THE CAVEMAN WINS!
  • Raltar
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    And so, Ugg emerged victorious, having distinguished himself as the stand-out hero of the debate competition, even though his grand accomplishment was little more than convincing a slight majority on a panel of awful judges to vote for him instead of a guy who always forfeits after the first round.

    But Ugg soon found out that this was perhaps not as desirable as it first seemed… for he had drawn the attention of Bashone the Vain, the head organizer of the competition… Bashone was a notoriously flaming homosexual who seemed to have taken a liking to Ugg’s caveman ab muscles. Being a homeless caveman in an alien time period, Ugg had few other options but to accept the rather implicit invitation to come home with Bashone, but first they needed to make a quick pit stop at the local “adult” toy store. Even Ugg’s“progressive” ideas about public-school biology hadn’t prepared him for the dark and vile fate which awaited him…

    Epilogue;

    Ratmin the Biased-One was chased out of the debate competition by a mob of angry Ugg fanboys armed with torches, pitchforks and dictionaries.

    Droopy the Insane eventually embarked on a world-spanning quest to become immortal… because he felt strongly that he needed to live forever in order to ensure that people would stop ordering drinks without ice.

    Utuhsmar the Serious-Vote was banned from future debate competitions because of a disagreement with Bashone over the significance of dropped points.

    Bashone the Vain announced that he would be taking a six-month hiatus from professional debates to work on a “special project” in his creepy basement. He was last seen accepting delivery of a crate marked “Industrial Strength Ball Gags” at his home.

    Caiaphas the Meek replaced Bashone as the head organizer of the debate competition. This initiated a complex series of events which lead to the eventual outlawing of “professional” debating in 93 countries.

    Castrol the Token-Female-Character developed a severe addiction to internet discussion forums and eventually became the subject of a court-order which excluded her from using any telecommunications device.

    The Vulcan science academy was forced to retract their official position that time travel is impossible. Ratmin commented that Vulcans are nothing more than the science-fiction equivalent of Elves, which is why they are such arrogant asshats.



    (P.S. This forum caused a lot of errors in the process of coping this story into the posts. Some essential spaces between words were removed, while some pointless line breaks were added inappropriately. I have edited the posts to correct as many errors as reasonably possible, but I officially blame any remaining errors on the creator of this site. Bye!)

  • Castin
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    Bye.
  • Analgesic.Spectre
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    I was genuinely tempted to write the vintage "see you next week," but I think your points deserve a bit more than derisory dismissal.

    I don't have a whole lot of time to write something extensive tonight, but I'll briefly outline my view.

    Whilst I think the userbase of this site is worse than DDO, in terms of posting quality (although, there are some posters worth reading), I think the moderation and structure of the site is on par with DDO, if not better. Moderation is responsive and rapidly becoming better (it was appalling to begin with), with decisions becoming better overtime. Copying DDO's website structure was a smart idea, but this site doesn't have all the bugs, glitches and spam of DDO, so it's already ahead there. Add to that the owner who is making this site better everyday, and you really have a lot going for this site.

    The debaters forfeiting rounds was far worse on DDO. People clinging to the forums, instead of debates, has become a recent problem for both this site and DDO. Personally, I thoroughly enjoy making unique, sometimes controversial threads on the forums, arguably more than I did debating. I learn so much faster when I'm receiving a multitude of feedback. Debating is really about bragging and inflating your ego, so I'm not against this forum culture at all.

    If this site welcomes a few more Skeps, thetts, whiteflames and maybe even a bluesteel, it will become better than DDO.
  • MagicAintReal
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    I get a suspicious feeling that I'm ugg in this story...obsess much...jeez!
    Flattering really.
  • MagicAintReal
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    Oh also, just to clear up the story, I teach 10th grade Biology, not 6th grade, and I believe I'm a pretty good debater given my standing here on the site, so the characterization of a knuckle-dragging caveman is just not that accurate.
  • Logical-Master
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    --> @Raltar
    A shame to see you go. I liked reading your posts and liked the way you handled your religious debate with Alec. 
  • Logical-Master
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    I think I get the other references, but who is "Castrol the Token-Female-Character?"
  • coal
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    I have no idea what this is about, but this is the funniest thing I've seen on the site yet. 
  • Zeichen
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    --> @Logical-Master
    think I get the other references, but who is "Castrol the Token-Female-Character?"
    that was the easiest reference to get, lol. 

    Castrol = Castin

  • MagicAintReal
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    --> @coal
    I'm ugg the caveman check out my debates, the guy was obsessed with voting me down and talking shit about me when I couldn't respond cuz he's some butt hurt theist
  • SupaDudz
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    Funny and true

94 days later

  • SupaDudz
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    --> @Raltar
    You would be proud right now

79 days later

385 days later

  • Intelligence_06
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    I am probably a year too late, but this site is MUCH better than it was back then.
  • Intelligence_06
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    Also, I may or may not believe in future-predictors, but I am pretty sure User_2006(which was me) is similar to Caiaphas.