My fellow Americans,
It is with great pleasure that I announce Pride Month has been officially cancelled. Pride, after all, is a sin, not a virtue, and we will no longer participate in the celebration of deliberate moral inversions.
From now on, June will be known as Confidence Month. Or maybe just... June. We’ll see. Either way, it’ll be a time to reflect on real accomplishments. Things actually worth celebrating.
And look, I hate to be the one to say it, but putting a wiener in a butt doesn't qualify as a national achievement. It’s not brave, it’s not historic, and frankly, it’s not hygienic.
They say "love is love," but let’s not kid ourselves: poop is still poop.