thett3

YYW led Thett through a long underground corridor. A little known DC secret, these tunnels connected the homes of all of Washington's elites. The trip ended abruptly as they came across an open trapdoor. As soon as they ascended the stairs into a well kept basement, Thett was introduced to the silver fox himself: Robert Mueller. 

 

"Thett, have a seat." 

 

He sounded exactly like Chris Hanson. 

 

Thett sat. 

 

"These are my associates, Peter Strzok and Lisa Page" Thett hadn't even finished shaking their hands before Mueller began the long, sorry tale. 

 

"It all began shortly after President West took office...in addition to firing many career bureaucrats, President West's administration undertook a historic purge of top level FBI and CIA officials. Virtually everyone who had been involved in Washington for more than a few years was unceremoniously let go." 

 

"As his campaign promised" Thett butted in

 

"As his campaign promised, indeed. But there is more to this story. He didn't shrink the size of the bureau at all--in fact he expanded it, and filled it with people whose views and goals are not aligned with American interests. And speaking of his campaign, we have reason to believe that many of his campaign officials, especially Vice President Emilrose, were compromised from the beginning."

 

"Compromised by who?" 

 

Mueller then removed the sunglasses that Thett hadn't realized he was wearing. "By the Russians." 

 

"This can't be..."

 

"I assure you that it is. We have evidence suggesting that Emilrose met with Russian officials during the campaign and that after this meeting they spent over $7,000 on Facebook ads in critical swing states. Ads such as these:"

 

Mueller slid Thett a thick folder. Opening it, he came across a printed screenshot of a Facebook advertisement. It was a cartoon of Christ arm-wrestling Satan. In the image, Satan's speech bubble said "If Trump wins, I win." and Christ replied: "Not if I can help it!" 

 

It was the most persuasive piece of propaganda Thett had ever seen. 

 

"My G-d..."

 

"I had appointed Pete here to run the counter intelligence investigation, but the day Kanye West took office, Vice President Emilrose told us that we were dismissed and that the investigation was over. And it gets worse: my mole in the FBI has reported to me that the administration has started an intelligence sharing program with Russia and has initiated a Russian national named Mikhail into the bureau." 

 

Thett was absolutely stunned. "Are you telling me that President West is a Russian intelligence asset?"

 

"Actually, no. The public isn't aware, but outside of his public appearances Kanye doesn't reside in Washington at all. Emilrose runs the administration. He has spent his entire presidency sequestered in Camp David doing...something. No one is sure what. We believe that he could still be reached, but all of our attempts to establish contact have failed." 

 

The entire room was silent for a solid minute before Lisa Page spoke up. 

 

"Thett, there is something else you need to know. The administration has appointed a special counsel to investigate you, and they have already convinced a Grand Jury to hand down a number of sealed indictments. As of this moment, you are effectively a fugitive from the law. And also..." She hesitated and gave YYW a very sympathetic look. "Also...their star witness is your former first mate, Bsh1." 

 

The color absolutely drained from YYW's face. What ensued was a three minute screaming match where YYW demanded the address to Bsh's safe house, which Mueller absolutely refused to give. When the argument was over, a red faced YYW slammed Strzok to the ground and made to leave the house. 

 

"YY, stop!" Thett called out. "Where are you going?" 

 

"I'm going rat hunting." 

 

--------------------------

 

The team attempted to chase down YYW, but within moments he had vanished into the night. Defeated, they returned to the war room. After a long silence, Mueller spoke.

 

"Thett, I am going to get down to brass tacks here. I took an oath to defend this country from all enemies, foreign and domestic. I take that oath seriously. I am in contact with hundreds of current and former members of the intelligence community and more and more are coming around to our way of thinking. We are going to make every effort to contact President West and convince him to stop this covert foreign takeover, but if the absolute worst comes to pass we may have to...intervene." 

"I fully understand."

"We are going to need some kind of popular leader to take the reins in the interim. Someone well known by the public, and universally respected, who could serve as an appointed President before a special election could take place." 

"I agree. But who fits the bill?"

"Well we were thinking maybe...you."

-------------

They were adrift for several days before salvation came in an unlikely form--on the third day, the crew was spotted and rescued by a warship from the Ethiopian navy. After Thett explained the situation over a few rounds of grog, the captain agreed to help smuggle the crew into the United States using fake Ethiopian passports.

Days later as they were going through customs, Thett felt supremely uncomfortable standing next to Tyrone as he wore blackface. It was for the greater good, but if the photos of this ever leaked the internet mob would have an absolute field day. Surprisingly, the plan went off without a hitch and soon enough the crew was back in Washington, DC. Thett arranged for lodging for everybody and instructed them to lie low and to try and re establish with any useful contacts they might still have left. They were going to meet back in a week and hopefully come up with some semblance of a plan. Thett had no idea what they could do, but the knowledge of democracy being a failed god absolutely had to be spread. 

Since he was expecting no contact for an entire week, Thett was surprised when a mere three hours later an ashen faced YYW was frantically knocking at his door. 

"Thett, you've gotta come with me, I can't believe this--" 

"YY, what's going on?"

"You have to talk to him, he will explain everything" 

"Talk to who? About what? Slow down, you aren't making sense" 

"My old boss, he was the first person I contacted. My old boss at the FBI. We've been subverted" 

"YY, slow down. What's going on? Who is this mystery man?"

"His name is Robert Mueller."

The very next day, Bsh was right back at the interrogation room, telling Mike his story. The very first thing he asked was about YYW. Mike brought in a doctor to consult Bsh,and after the nature of YYW's injuries were described the doctor concluded that he had almost certainly died immediately after his fight with bluesteel. Bsh pushed his grief aside. Thett had caused this. Perhaps if his ship had undergone its mandatory annual inspection, things would've gone differently. Now instead of a heroes death, YYW died breaking the rules. He had died a criminal, and it was Thett's fault. Thett HAD to be brought to justice. 

 

In exchange for his cooperation, Bsh was promised full immunity. Several days went by, and the number of legal regulations broken by Thett continued to pile up. The biggest violation occurred in 2018, when Thett had brokered a deal between his two close friends Kim Jung Un and Donald Trump, successfully averting a nuclear exchange. However unbeknownst to Bsh, Thett had failed to register as a foreign agent when he interceded with Trump to prevent him from dropping the bomb on the Norks. This was a potential felony.

 

Thus, three days after Bsh cooperated with the authorities the administration of President Kanye West appointed a special prosecutor to investigate Thett and all surviving members of the pirate crew.

 

However, given the sealed order handed down by Vice President Emilrose, officials high up in the administration doubted that the investigation would be necessary.

 

 

-------------

 

Thett didn't have many regrets. He had lived a truly legendary life, and he knew it. In addition,he was widely considered to be one of the most humble people in existence. Thett considered his humility to be his best virtue, and he was quite proud ofit. He considered his second best trait to be his decision making abilities, so it as very unusual for him to regret something. However he was quickly comingto regret bringing RationalMadman with him to finish the repair of the ship.

 

RM was a member of Mestaris crew, who was described as "a nice lad, but a bit confusing." RM was not nice to Thett though. At all. Not only did he ignore all orders Thett gave him, but he only spoke in rhymes. The two had come close to blows once, before Tyrone had forcibly broken them up. 

 

And now, as everyone else frantically packed up Mestari's palace or repaired the ship so they could escape this island before Zaradi told the authorities where it was, RM just sat back and threw diss rap after diss rap at Thett.

 

"Bitch, speak wrong about me one more time and that jaw where the threats spew out of’s gonna

become Thett3’s most missed bit,

Imma tear you apart, boy don’t you dare say you’re smart,

You’re a van-Gogh to DDO, I’m a Mozart to Debate Art," 

Thett gritted his teeth. Tyrone, Mikal, and Blamonkey who were working nearby just snickered.YYW, who had healed enough to leave his hospital bed, gave a booming laugh as he watched the crew at work. 

 

Tyrone was on the crows nest when he saw it. A strange shape in the distance, on the other side of the island...taking out his binoculars, he took one glance, and was only able to say "okay, this is epic" 

It was a WWII era battleship, proudly flying the old red white and blue.