Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. I wonder whether anyone actually reads these disclaimers. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.
DART BARD
Edited by SirAnonymous
4th edition
“To everyone legitimately taking this post seriously, thank you the most for your brilliant obliviousity.” - MisterChris
NEWS
Breaking News: Arrogant Punk Foolishly Tries to Compete with the Bard
By Grandpa Curmudgeon.
I just been down to the Post Office, and what do I see but some young punk tryin’ to compete with the DART Bard. Intelligence_06 – a rather ironic name, I do think – has started a satire paper called On the Bullseye. Yeah, punk, that’s exactly where my cane is headed. This young rip even markets his rag by saying, “You are looking at the main competitor of SirAnonymous' DART Bard, except, things here will always be more realistic, more reliable, and more anonymous than DART Bard.” Kids these days got no respect. No, they’re all trying to compete with established, respectable institutions like the Bard, thinking they can do better with all their new ideas. Listen, sonny, you got a lot to learn. All your big ideas ain’t gonna get you nowhere. New ideas never succeed; they’re never funny; they’re never worth working hard on and learning. I been here on this planet for many years now, and I ain’t never seen a new idea that was a good one. All you young lads can do what you like, but definitely don’t waste your time reading fresh satire with fresh ideas and fresh perspectives. It’s not worth your while, let me tell you that.
Grandpa Curmudgeon is the proud grandfather of seven young rascals. He spends his days writing, thinking, and using his cane to teach lessons to bothersome peop– OW!
Report: Mike Prepares Website for the Inevitable Flood of Post-Election Tears
By ScumAnonymous.
According to sources, debateart.com owner Mike is preparing the website for an incoming influx of post-election tears. The United States presidential election is only two days away, and the website will need to be at its strongest to withstand this flood. Sources from across the political spectrum affirm that this is the most important election of our lifetimes (until the next election), which means that a flood of catastrophic intensity is expected. It is currently unclear whether these tears will be liberal or conservative tears. Our sources confirm that Mike is ready for either possibility. The type of tears could be a major issue, experts say. Liberal tears tend to be accompanied by loud screaming at the sky, demands for safe spaces, and mostly peaceful protests. Conservative tears, on the other hand, are more likely to be accompanied by mental breakdowns as Trump’s ardent supporters will be forced to come to terms with a situation they’ve refused to consider possible. However, experts are confidently predicting that there won’t be any third-party, independent, or Never-Trump tears. Despite the fact that their political beliefs dictate that they constantly lose, so they should be constantly crying, experts say they will be too busy preening themselves on their moral superiority over major-party voters to waste time crying.
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.
Intelligence_06 Falls out of the Top 5 as MisterChris Jumps to Number 4
By Trum Porter
After three consecutive losses, Intelligence_06 has dropped out of the Top 5. Before his losing streak, he had blazed a fast path to the Top 5, taking less than three months to become a Challenger after opening a new account. As our revered leader would say, he won so much that he got tired of winning. However, DART members don’t have to quit winning just yet. MisterChris has risen to fourth place with a 16-debate winning streak that, according to experts, can only be described as“Terrific!” It will come as no surprise to TRUE patriots that MisterChris is a conservative and a Trump supporter. The regressive left just can’t compete with that much WINNING! In other news, Ragnar, who is a progressive, has passed Ramshutu to take 2nd place. But, uh, just ignore that one. It’s fake news. We all know that stupid libs don’t have any facts on their side, so he clearly won by voter fraud! Voters are totally biased toward leftist debaters, which is exactly why they voted against self-declared lib-left Intelligence_06 for 3 debates in a row and for conservative-leaning libertarian MisterChris for 16 debates in a row– um, I mean, uh, uh, nothing to see here!
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
Ragnar Passes Ramshutu to become the Number One Voter
By Conspi Theo
Ragnar passed Ramshutu’s record of 634 votes to become the number one voter on DART. At the time of this writing, he has reached a jaw-dropping 644 votes. However, all is not as it seems. Just nine days ago, he removed two votes on a debate. This slip-up exposes the reality behind his “record”: he’s achieved it by abusing his powers as a moderator to remove others’ votes. Why, you ask? Because he wants to appear as though he’s doing everyone on the site a great service with his votes, when he’s really a corrupt tyrant! He only got to first place by removing everyone else’s votes because he wanted all the credit for himself! In fact, he probably didn’t even write his own votes. That one time he removed those votes is proof that he is too lazy to actually vote enough to take the record, and being lazy is proof that he hasn’t written his own votes. The conclusion is unavoidable: Ragnar has been removing other people’s votes and copy-pasting their RFDs as his own. This completely speculative, baseless argument is unassailable proof of his corruption. Join me in my brave stand against this villain by doing absolutely nothing beyond complaining in contexts where I’m absolutely certain he won’t do anything about it. Together, we can stop this corruption!
Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn’t researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.
Seldiora Celebrates Reaching the 100-Debate Milestone
By Environment Wacko
DART member and elderly statesman seldiora recently completed his 100th debate. He is currently at 102 completed debates, making him the third most prolific debater on the website. Reaching one hundred is a significant milestone in today’s world, in which the life expectancy is only in the 70s. Upon completing this achievement, the grey-headed fossil sagely commented, “100th debate, yay!” According to sources close to the antiquated relic, his longevity is, unsurprisingly, due to his great appreciation of the environment. Some of his recent debates include debating in support of alternative energy and drawing attention to climate change. His profile picture of trees illustrates his commitment to the environmentalist relig–er, cause. The only debaters on DART with a longer lifespan are Type1, who was laid to rest at 119, and RationalMadman, who is still going strong at 294. Some have compared RationalMadman to Methusaleh, but these people clearly hate science, because Methusaleh never existed and the Bible that claims he does is printed on trees. Clearly, then, people who make such comparisons are tools of environment-hating corporations who support deforestation. However, so as not to dwell on such things, let’s all congratulate seldiora on his impressive achievement and tell him how much we youngsters appreciate the contributions of 102-year-old antiques like him!
Environmental Wacko is a climate activist, blogger, and professional basket-weaver.
Op-Ed: Why the Rash of Debater Rankings is Sparking Class Division among DART Members
By Carl Engels
A series of threads have appeared on DART purporting to rank debaters by skill. The aforementioned senior citizen seldiora listed his top 10 debaters and described their abilities. BearMan chimed in with his own list, as did RationalMadman, ranking his top20 picks. At first, this all seems like innocent fun, until you start looking closer. Consider, comrades, what ranking is. Ranking is saying “This person is better than this person.” Putting debaters in the top 10 or 20 elevates them above their peers. This apparently innocent fun suddenly takes on more insidious qualities. Dividing people into classes is exactly what the bourgeoisie want. They want you to believe that you are inferior so you don’t rise up against them. Instead, they declare that they are better than the rest of us. Comrades, we must not be fooled by these capitalist tyrants. They want us to waste our time running in circles to get to the Top 10 so we also can be bourgeoisie. When they say, “These 10 are the best,” we say, “No, the people are the best.” We are the people, and we will not be seduced by the illusion of “skilled debating” that they promote!
Carl Engels is a writer from California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll Get It Right This Time.
SPORTS
Town Defeats Mafia in a Four Game Streak.
By ScumAnonymous
Fellers, I just don’t know what to say anymore. The town is cleaning house on the mafia these days. After some serious drama and a controversial modkill, town somehow pulled a victory out of the Technology Mafia. In the Ultimate Weabu Universe Mafia, town only needed three DPs to defeat the mafia, thanks to the stellar efforts of MVP Danielle. Town took longer to win the protracted 6-DP Avatar:The Last Airbender Mafia, but they inevitably pulled through. Then, in the Bad Mod Mafia, mafia conce– you know what, I’m not doing this. I can’t take any more of this, fellers. I’m heading straight to my tax attorney to make sure my taxes are right. You may catch Al Capone and every mafioso on the website with your silly tax fraud accusations, but this here is one criminal that isn’t getting caught. No sirree, you’re not getting to me. You’re not. I tell you, you’re not. YOU WON’T GET TO ME!!!
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso, sports writer, and occasional mental health patient.
Seldiora Hosts a Gauntlet Tournament as BearMan’s Tournament Reaches Final Showdown
By ScumAnonymous
YOU WON’T GET – erm, ahem, excuse me. Just need a moment. All righty, where was I? Tournaments. Well, fellers, we’ve got some exciting news. BearMan’s debate tournament has reached the highly anticipated final round. The distinguished finalists are SupaDudz and MisterChris. Up to this point, we’ve seen some of the boldest and most talented debaters on DART give their all in a series of strongly contested debates. This last debate is going to sight to see, and you do not want to miss it. And of course, stay tuned to the DART Bard for all the latest news on the tournament. We’ve got more good news for you: seldiora is hosting a new tournament. This tournament is gauntlet style. A single challenger has to try to run the gauntlet by defeating five progressively stronger debaters. The brave challenger, Ayyantu, has already made it through the first debater, who was seldiora himself.The second debate is in progress. As always, stay tuned to the Bard for all the exciting developments.
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.
